Punch-Drunk

Morning Contemplations

2010-01-31T12:38:00.003-06:00

Some of you are aware that I live in a cabin up in Saskatchewan. For those of you who do not know this I would like to take this moment to fill you in a bit. I live here at the cabin with my 11 week old puppy who has been named Duke. I have limited access to internet and power, no plumbing, and I heat the place with a wood stove. Now by no means am I "roughing it" but I do lack some of the things I formerly took for granted. I also have to do some activities that I never had to do in the city.

Let me run you through how my day has went so far:

I woke up at 8:20am (which is the time Duke wakes up every morning) and had to build a fire because it was starting to get chilly. I also let Duke out for his morning business. After these two things were done I ate breakfast and washed my breakfast dishes with water that I have to haul in. I then bundled up to take Duke out for his morning walk. We walk about a kilometer or so every morning and at least another one in the late afternoon and/or evening. After we got back from the walk we had play time and worked off more of his puppy energy. Duke likes to run around with a stick, track rabbits, dig holes in the snow and bark at the birds. He really makes you appreciate some of the little things in life.

Once play time was over it was time to get down to work. I was running out of fire wood so that meant it was time to get the axe and start chopping up the stack of wood that I had prepared before the snow fell. I then spent the rest of the morning hacking away at the lumber so that I would have a significant supply that would fit into the stove. While I was out there I started thinking about how things had been years ago; long before the internet, or TV, or even electricity. I mulled over how different those days were from the way many live out their days now. At this point I decided to come in and warm up by the fire and to start writing this for you.

Now that I can feel my nose and cheeks I have to go back out and finish up with the wood. When I come back I am going to write an article about my thoughts and reflections regarding those times before electricity and technology.

How do you think we would fare as a society if we lost these things?

Back in Black

2010-01-30T23:42:00.002-06:00

So here I am again.

Starting to blog once more.

It has been quite a long time since I have visited this blog; let alone posted. So before I decided to start re-posting, I read through some of my old posts. Some were interesting and some were funny. Some were just downright ridiculous! After reflecting on where I have been and contemplating where I am going I decided that these old posts were part of my history and I would keep them around. If nothing more than to look back at and have a laugh.

A lot has happened in my life since the last time I wrote in the confines of this text box. Things have changed, friends have changed, and I have changed. Some of these changes have been welcome and good while others were not. Some of the changes I didn't even notice had occurred.

I have some really good posts(in my opinion!) that I will be sharing with you as the days go on. If you choose to follow my rants then I hope that I deliver honest, well articulated, and thought provoking (and sometimes hilarious!) material.

Jumping Off Bridges - Roses Are Red

2007-11-22T01:55:00.000-06:00

these walls around you
were standing so strong
your heart is wearing thin
I've known it all along
I start to walk into the shadows in the day dream
I know it isn't what it seems
and you're finding out for the first time in your life
you're finding out
you'll fade away
and the truth is going to stain
wash away
everyday
for the first time in your life
you'll drift away.

Undisposed ~ Wishing Well

2007-07-14T19:11:00.000-06:00

I just sit here fast awake
Covered in my lonely sheets
Skin is sticking to my clothes
I just wait here undisposed
Find it hard to leave my room
Familiarity is scarce
But thats not why

Clock stopped working long ago
Fine with me
I don't want to know
My awareness of the time makes me reflect and wrings me dry
My fourth shower of the day
Only stopped cause waters cold
I slowly put on dirty clothes as I just wait here undisposed
But thats not why

Cynical cold neutrality
Comfortable Mentality
Why has food all lost it's taste
Why are dreams all being erased
Counting Days til I get paid
So I can cover up the stains
And counting heads that look my way
So the life I use won't seem so plain
But thats not why

When days just melt together I don't know why I just stand alone
When days just take forever I don't know why
I don't even try

Meaning

2007-03-24T01:45:00.000-06:00

Meaning. Thats something interesting. It is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Meaning, and what does it mean. Haha. I have been watching a lot of War movies lately. The latest being FlyBoys. In a world of fast food and fast cars do we know what meaning is? Where do we find it? In a world of movies, music, and video games we search for meaning. Some find it fleeting and hidden in the fabric of fantasy. I know video games are one big way that these young generations seek and find some meaning. Many people do not understand, but when you are emersed in a game you become a hero. You are in control and you have the ability to save. You achieve accomplishments and goals that can set you apart. Or at least you feel that way. It is more about the emotion and the feeling than it is the game itself. Everyone knows its just a game but for a fleeting second you feel that you have a sense of meaning, of purpose, of belonging. We are left to find our own meaning to things. I know I feel this way. I know I want to be apart of something greater than myself. Fighting for your country, for your family, for your people... it is something we know little about. Here in the Western Culture we do not have to face many of the other things that others have to face. We consider it a blessing. I am not saying that it is not, but I am saying that we have other problems that replace the old. Often they are hidden below the surface and we do not see them as plainly. Sometimes I wish that we were not as technologically advanced as we are. That we knew more adequately what it means to be alive, because we have to fight for it, we don't take it for granted. But thats not the case, we do take our lives for granted. I hope this blog is coherent and that you understand my points. I continue to search for meaning everyday. I have found some here and there but I still wait and yearn for my true meaning. Where will I find it? I don't know. But I know there is something more, something great...

P.S. I was going to write about how we often search for meaning in love but I think that topic is to vast for me to tackle at the moment.

Quote

2007-03-21T23:47:00.000-06:00

Who will cry for the little boy, lost and all alone
Who will cry for the little boy, abandoned without his own
Who will cry for the little boy, who cried himself to sleep
Who will cry for the little boy, who never had for keeps
Who will cry for the little boy, who walked on burning sands
Who will cry for the little boy, the boy inside a man
Who will cry for the little boy, who knew well hurt and pain
Who will cry for the little boy, who died and died again
Who will cry for the little boy, a good boy he tried to be
Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside of me

Who will cry for the little boy Antwoine?

I will, I always do...

Thinking

2007-03-21T01:47:00.000-06:00

I should be in bed. But I'm not. I can't sleep. Why? Because I'm thinking of a girl. I'm thinking of a girl that won't leave my head. Sometimes I wake up at night thinking about her. Thinking about how cute her smile is, how beautiful she is, and how there are pixies tugging at her hair. How I like the way she laughs, the way she talks, just the little things she does that I'm sure some people never notice. I write this at the risk of sounding creepy. I hope thats not the case. I'm just a hopless romantic stuck in his head, wondering, contemplating, confused. Every night I pray and every night I ask my questions and I wait to hear the responses. Every night I pray. I continue to wait. Waiting is tough, but all good things come to those who wait. I beleive that this is a very very good thing and so I wait. I may not understand everything, but I do understand I can't sleep. I can't sleep. How do you talk about such things? In movies things are so easy. My knees hurt. Goodnight.

Crush

2007-03-19T20:08:00.001-06:00

So I am just sitting here listening to Fall Out Boy and thinking. Thinking about alot of things actually. This thinking process led me to write this blog. Why? Because if I write things out they can sometimes make more sense to me when I re-read it. I spend a lot of time in my head and a lot of time thinking and analyzing. So here I shall puke my brains out onto this site and hope it makes sense, not to you the reader, but rather just to me as the author. Have fun standing in on the criss-cross thoughts of Ty.

I haven't been in a very good mood lately. It has definately been a down time. It seems I have a lot of rollercoaster times lately. It seems that every single time that I start the climb to the top and things are looking up I get smashed in the face with something, something like homework, money, girls, school, work, diabetes, etc. Nothing seems to be going right lately and that ends up frustrating me even more. I don't know what to do or where to start. Holding your head up is hard when you just want to stay on the ground. I feel like I have gotten up so many times that I just don't want to get up anymore. I feel like I'm not holding onto a thing here. I'm getting more emo and depressing here then I actual meant to be but it is where I am at now. One thing that I really wanted to say is that I am sorry to anyone who I have neglected recently. It has nothing to do with you but rather with me and my mechanism or retreating into my own world and my own head. I am confused. There are some things that I really just don't understand. I don't understand why you would lie... I really don't. I don't understand why it is such a chore for me to get motivated. I don't understand why no matter how I hard I try it doesn't seem to work right. And thats why I end up falling back into my comfortable zone of not trying. Cause when you don't try and you don't do anything you can't do things wrong and when you do do something right then its awesome cause it wasn't expected. I know thats lame. I'm just sick of trying so hard. I want someone to waste all their time with me. To encourage me, to motivate me... but I guess I can't expect someone else to do that sort of thing. I understand that. I wish that I had someone to talk things over with, how I am thinking, feelings, and how things are truly going. I wish I had someone who really wanted to be that for me, as well as me reciprocate things. I know that they have to want to be that and I have to want them to be that for anything like that. I kind of want out of here. I kind of want something new. I kinna want the familiar. I kinna want to stay. I kinna want that cat to shut up because her moewing is annoying me. Maybe people don't hear one sound out of my mouth. I dunno. There are about 50 more years of this waiting around. Hmm. My car is giving me trouble and thats not cool, I don't like that one bit. I wonder when that phone call is going to come? Anyways I know the weather is not always perfect, I really do know that. I also know I just need to pick myself up and keep trucking er along. Oh my. You know what I want to do right now? Curl up in front of the TV with someone special and watch a movie. Forget things. Life. Hmm. I am sure this is making absolutely no sense at the moment, haha. O well what can you do I said it might not make sense. Hmmm. I can't keep writing, brain is going to fast. Thoughts are crushing me...

Buried Myself Alive ~ The Used

2007-03-19T16:50:00.000-06:00

You almost always pick the best time,
to drop the worst lines.
You almost made me cry again this time.
Another false alarm,
red flashing lights.
Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die.

I think I made it a game to play your game
and let myself cry.
I buried myself alive on the inside,
so I could shut you out,
and let you go away for a long time.

I guess it's ok I puked the day away.
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back,
you're gonna have to ask.

I think the chain broke away,
and I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine.
But it was worth the night,
I caught an early flight and I made it home.

I guess its ok I puked the day away
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that
nicer than that...

With my foot on your neck
I finally have you,
Right where I want you,
Right where I want you,
Right where I want you,
Right where I want you

I guess its ok I puked the day away
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back,
You're gonna have to ask

Nicer than that,(I guess its ok I puked the day away)
Nicer than that (I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way)
Yeah, and if you want me back,
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that
Nicer!!
Nicer!!

The More You Talk, The Less I Hear ~ Armor For Sleep

2007-03-08T00:28:00.000-06:00

You see me, Do I look okay to you?
Give me your hand,
I’ll shake it and shake it again
I’ll smile till my face falls off my head
If it’s good for you, It’s good for me too

What did I say?
Why do you give a shit?
They’re trying to pry in to my brain but I’m gone
I’m running down highways till I see your face
I just need to see you now
I just need to see you now
And I don’t care about anything else
I don’t care about anything else

Their words are flying over my head
I try and hear, but I’m somewhere else again
You laugh and I smile back to humor you
If it’s good for you, it’s good for me too.

What did I say?
Why do you give a shit?
They’re trying to pry in to my brain but I’m gone
I’m running down highways till I see your face
I just need to see you now
I just need to see you now
And I don’t care about anything else

Its raining outside
There’s a storm front on my back
Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you
A stranger is up ahead holding up a knife
Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you
Its raining outside
There’s a storm front on my back
Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you
The stars are falling now
Breaking up the road
Trying to keep, trying to keep me away from you
I’ll scream till I bleed.
I’ll scream stay away from me
You can’t keep me back, keep me back
I’ll scream till I bleed.
I’ll scream stay away from me
You can’t keep me back, keep me back

What did I say?
Why do you give a shit?
I just need to see you now
I just need to see you now
I just need to see you now
And I don’t care about anything else
I just need to see you now
I don’t care about anything else

Once Again I am Procrastinating

2007-03-05T00:35:00.000-06:00

So I should be focusing on my module homework... or any of my homework for that matter. But instead I am doing stupid surveys on the internet and listening to silly songs. Now here I am writing a blog even though I haven't written one in quite a while. So what should I write about? I don't really know... I've been in a good mood and... and I really should stop and do my homework... crap... yea its late and I need to do this... k so I'll try actually writing a good blog later... ha...

..... in a box

2007-01-07T17:47:00.000-06:00

Allrighty some of you will appreciate this and some of you won't. The following links are not for all viewers! Sexual Content! Innuendo! Do not watch if you think you will be offended! Must be 18 yrs or 21 in some places to proceed! Ha its not that bad but seriously I don't want anyone to complain... veiwers discretion is advised.

Visit the link and play video

Dick in a Box

Visit the following link and then scroll down to the video and watch it...

Box in a Box

Secret Heart ~ Feist

2006-12-03T18:39:00.000-06:00

Secret heart
What are you made of
What are you so afraid of
Could it be
Three simple words
Or the fear of being overheard
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

Secret Heart
Why so mysterious
Why so sacred
Why so serious
Maybe you're
Just acting tough
Maybe you're just not man enough
What's wrong

Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That You're dying to reveal
Go tell her how, how you feel

Secret heart come out and share it
This loneliness, few can bear it
Maybe its got something to do with
Admitting that you just can't go through it alone

Let em' in on your secret heart

This very secret
That you're trying to conceal
Is the very same one
That you're dying to reveal
Go tell her how, how you feel

Let em' in on your secret
Let em' in on your secret
secret heart
your secret heart

Extreme Dislike for Student Loans People

2006-12-03T17:37:00.000-06:00

K I think it was about the same time last year that I wrote a similiar blog. I dislike the Student Loans people. Why do they try and eff me so much? I mean they got me more than ussual this time. They stole my rent money. THats right they stole it. I had my rent money in the bank one day and then I check my account the next day and they took it. They said they gave me notice in a letter in September... in September... come on! The whole reason this happened is because I owed them $9.61 and they said I needed to send them a cheque to return to student status so thats what I did. Apparantly the cheque never made it because they debited my account for $300 dollars. They want a check for $9.61 but they electronically remove #300 dollars from my account... they couldn't do that with the $9.61 no they had to wait and take my rent money. So I'm effed for rent. Thanks! *mumble grumble*

2006-12-01T00:28:00.000-06:00

So I figured that I would throw up another blog to make sure I stay in somewhat of a habit of doing them. However, lately I haven't really had much to write about. I guess I could write about how I went to see Borat with J-D. It was an ok movie but I didn't really find it that good. There were some funny parts but all in all I was disappointed. I could write about how I haven't felt the greatest the last week and randomly start puking for no reason... but thats gross... and thats about the extent of what I can write about it. I could also write about school and how I am trying to do my best but am stressed out and always seem to be just behind where I should be. I have been trying to get ahead but its just not working for me, I have been trying to stay home and focus on my work. It seems I put in so much time and get out so little. Maybe I'm puking cause I'm stressing? That might be. I could write how I have lost all interest in hanging out with people. Many of you have probably noticed my absence on the social scene... well actually any scene at all. Now its not anyones fault and I don't want you to think that. I would rather you just talk to me then let things run wild in your head. But I just have not felt like doing much, or at least anything that has been suggested to me. I'm just not feeling it. I was barely feeling going to Borat but I wanted to chat with J-D about his new lady friend. So yea, life is boring right now, a lot because I make it boring and a lot because there is just not anything interesting or exciting. But I have decided that in most cases I will take the boring over the drama, really not a fan of the drama. I also think I have become more irritable lately as well. Things have started to bother me more lately. That is also part of the reason I have been staying home. I have found that right now I prefer being at home alone. I don't think its a bad thing but I think other people do think its a bad thing. I think they think that there is something wrong with them when there is not. Just right now this is what I prefer. But at the same time maybe its not what I prefer... maybe I want someone to care enough to stop by and surprise me sometime. Maybe I want someone to call me up and ask if I just want to go for a coffee and chat. Maybe I'm jus tired of feeling that I have to commit a big chunk of time to ultimately doing nothing... and ultimately doing nothing that I actually enjoy. Maybe Im ultimately tired of being single...

Peanuts and Progress

2006-11-23T13:49:00.000-06:00

Been working hard at my assignments and I am starting to see some progress. That is good. I still have a lot more to do though. Never should have let it get this bad but now I have to clean this mess up. Thanks to those of you who have helped me and spurred me on to get this stuff done. Anyways I am going to keep working on my essay. I will maybe post something with more later.

Sinking or Rising?

2006-11-19T16:32:00.000-06:00

Am I sinking or are the walls rising? Lately I have been so busy with things... or maybe I should say I have been so busy not doing the things I need to be doing. I have so many things to get done before the end of the month or for the end of the day for that matter. It seems more and more keeps coming at me and the more I start to feel overwhelmed the more I try to forget that I am overwhelmed. The more I procrastinate... which in turn causes me to be even more overwhelmed. Oh well, I just need to bunker down to the grind and get this stuff done. Responsiblites are Responsiblities and need to get done. So thats what I've been trying to do all weekend, get this stuff finished up. Its not going so well though. It is the last day of the weekend and I don't feel any farther ahead than before. Hmm, well I'll just keep at 'er. More of you need to comment about the super person thing. I want to hear more ideas of who is the best. Oh and you people that leave anonymous comments should be shot! Please put your name at the end of your comment or else I will be forced to remove the anonymous option and that sucks for those of you don't have a blogger account. Anyways thats my little update here so I shall be back to the grindstone!

100th Post

2006-11-16T14:07:00.001-06:00

So this is my 100th post here on blogger. I was thinking about saving it for some special occasion but I don't see any of those coming up anytime soon. So I guess I will just use it as my spring board back into blogging. That sounds good to me. I used to blog a fair amount but then this summer blogging just died right off. Even before that my blogging was pretty dead. I only posted songs... which isn't a bad thing because sometimes they more often than not said what I wanted to say better than I could. Anyways, I think I'm back to blogging and hope to have many more to come after this one. I also have noticed more people have been checking out my blog and so I figured I would throw something up here for all of you. If you read this you should comment. So as my 100 post and my spring board back into blogging what should I write about? Love? Drama? Modules? Daily Activites? Feelings? Facts? Work? School? Those have all been done. What I need is something more... something like...

WHO IS THE MOST KICK ASS SUPER-PERSON?

So for this I want all of you to participate with comments. Tell me who is the most rockin, bad ass person out there and why you think so. Now I know the winner is automatically Justin Timberlake for bringing Sexy Back but we will not include him so that some other people get a chance to be listed. I'm looking for people like Ghost Rider, or Gambit, or maybe Wonder Woman because her super suit and whip of truth are pretty bad ass!

Here is my character of Choice:

Wow...
This is hard...
I can't decide between 2 guys!

My first instinct was to say Dante from Devil May Cry. He rules! He has the sweetest moves and attitude. He weilds a sword and also two hand guns called "Ebony and Ivory". He runs up walls and does back flips. He slashes a guy into the air with one swipe of his sword and then annihilates them with his guns. He is the son of the great demon Sparta so he is half demon himself and he can transform into one! He fights to save the earth from Satan and all the demons and evil that are trying to break into the worldy realm and declare it as their own kingdom while destroying all humanity. He is pretty awesome!

My second thought was Kronos from God of War. He is pretty rockin as well! He is a pale skinned warrior who does the bidding of the Greek Gods so that he may one day be free of the evil memories that haunt him. He has massive hand blades that are forever attached to his wrists by chains. He has some pretty sweet moves! Whipping enemies around on the end of his blades, tearing them apart in one move, swinging around from his blades to avoid getting hit and then lunging in for the final kill. He also has gifts from the gods such as Zues' lighting bolts that he can throw at enemies. Oh and he has Medusas head so he can turn people into stone to destroy them. All in all he is pretty awesome.
I don't know If I can decide who is better...

Well now its your turn!

Questionable Content

2006-10-29T05:56:00.000-06:00

Allright so this is the freakin best comic strip I have ever read in my life! Probably because I can totally relate to whats going on! There are so many quotes in this comic! Now because it is probably the best thing in the world I am going to share it with you all!

http://www.questionablecontent.net

There it is Read and enjoy...
I will be putting it in my links soon... I think

Sometimes I just sit at home and...

2006-10-21T06:39:00.000-06:00

Waisting Time ~ Blink 182

I'm wasting time thinking about a girl
And stealing her away from her world
She and I would run away
I think of all the things that I'd say

We'd talk about important things
And I picture it in my dreams
She'd teach me about modern art
And I'd show her it's okay to fart and

Maybe I'd impress her
By being in a band and
Maybe if I act real tough
She'd let me hold her hand and
Maybe I'll win her heart
By writing this song about her

Sometimes I sit at home and
Wonder if she's sitting at home
Thinking of me and wondering if I'm
Sitting at home, thinking about her
Or am I just wasting my time

Remembering how she laughed at Kinko's
When I made fun of that guy
Remebering the look she gave me
When I told her that I used to fry

I really want to ask her out
But my ego could never take it
And even if I got the balls
You know that the Cougar would never make it

And in my town you can't drive naked

And maybe I'd impress her
By being in a band and
Maybe if I act real tough
She'd let me hold her hand and
Maybe I'll win her heart
By writing this song about her

Sometimes I sit at home and
Wonder if she's sitting at home
Thinking of me and wondering if I'm
Sitting at home, thinking about her
Or am I just wasting my time

Am I just wasting my time
Am I just wasting my time
Am I just wasting my time
Wasting my time thinking about a girl

The Lost Art

2006-07-17T02:58:00.000-06:00

The Tide ~ by The Spill Canvas

And there's three, count 'em three
Children playing on the beach
They were eager to learn,
To be taught and to teach

There's Veronica
She's biting her lip
As she watches the waves turn white at the tip
And there's Vada
Radiating with joy
And luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy
And lastly there's Dade
His hair dances in the wind
And he's wondering what love is
And why it has to end

And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends
His mother whispers quietly...
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have heard
And live for the moment now

And there's three, count 'em three
Children growing on the beach
They were eager to learn,
To be taught and to teach

There's Veronica
She's licking her lips
As she waits for her real, first passionate kiss
And there's Vada
She Can't admit her jealousy
Of her sister Veronica, and how she's so pretty and how she's so pretty
Lastly there's Dade
Still sitting on the dock
Ponders his life, and he skips his rocks
And he wonders when his father will return
But he's not coming back

And he can't understand
How everyone goes on breathing when true love ends
His mother whispers quietly...
Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard forget everything

And there's three, count 'em three
Children missing from the beach
They were eager to learn,
To be taught and to teach

But the sad thing
Is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen
Due to neglect from their mother
Who was bed ridden by her ex-lover, their father
She didn't even notice, or pay much attention
As the tide came in and swept her three into the ocean
Now all her advice, it seems useless

No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard
And live for the moment now

-----------------------------

So the other day I had a dream. The dream was one of the best dreams ever. I wasn't rich, I wasn't powerful, I wasn't improved, I wasn't having sex, I was just me... and she was just her. We were in Love. Not Lust, Not Convinience, Not one sided - just Love. You could see it in her eyes, in her voice, with her actions. I could feel it in my chest, in my arms and in my mind. Euphoria. The dream wasn't long, it was incredibly detailed yet so surreal and hazy. I remember her eyes mostly, the sparkle in the eyes, unforgetable. I woke from this euphoria to the realization that I had missed an important appointment and then realized that my dream was just that, a dream. What a let down after the ecstacy of emotion felt before. This dream started me thinking. I thought about Love, I thought about myself, I thought about my experiences. I also realized that I was hardening, that I was losing my wistful romanticism, my optimism of Love that I used to hold dear to me. I realized that many people have been hurt and battered around on their Journey to find Love and they come out of it giving up on Love, that they will never find it, or they can never give it, or they are unworthy of it. They have given up on the romanticism, the euphoria, the bliss. They start to believe that "Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard". Well I refuse to continue down that path. I reach out to the the naive, hopeless romantic that still lingers. Their is Love for everyone no matter how much you belittle it, or mock it. I have heard people tear apart others who are still romantic and euphoric. Why? To hide that they truly long for it. It's in there somewhere, no matter how much you deny it. Some of you may not understand what I am going on about, but I know some of you do... and this is for you... the ending of the song captures it...

No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you touch her and you feel alive
So live for the moment
And take this advice, live by every word
Love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard
And live for the moment now

This then lead me further down the path of these thoughts about Love and Life itself. Life is to short to live in bitterness, or fear. We need to grasp the life around us and start to live it! Especially when it comes to Love. This is hard because of insecurities and doubt. We think we are not good enough, not attractive enough, not talented enough. Maybe we have even been told these things. Possibly we have experienced things that seemed to confirm it. Our fear of rejection rules our actions, so we cower from the pain that we once felt. We choose not to risk again, but what good are things without risk. Risk makes us feel alive. I know I am not an example of stepping out and living but I hope I am heading there. I hope I can take risks on things and people that are so fantastic and amazing, I know its hard, and I know people make it harder, but I beleive in more, something fantastic and surreal like my dream. You might call me a dreamer, or idealist, however, I do know that things aren't perfect and there is pain. Things won't always be prefect, and work out right, I know that. Things won't always be wonderful. But why do we throw out the fantastic and wonderful and settle for only the mediocre and the pain? I don't know if anyone understands what I am saying or not but whatever. But remember... Love's completely real, so forget anything that you've heard.

So Much ~ The Spill Canvas

How does it feel to know you're everything I need
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want
I've got a hard time saying this
So I'll sing it in a song

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one
When we become one

How does it feel
How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?
Please don't come looking for me
When I get lost in the mess of your hair
How do you feel when everything you've known
Gets thrown aside
Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt

Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I'm right next to you
Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I won't let you down

Well, I'm ready
Well, I'm ready
I am ready
To run away with you
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
To run away with me

Pack your things we can leave today
Pack your things we can leave today
Say our goodbyes and get on the train
Say goodbye
Just you and I in the sweet unknown
We can just call each other our home

If I had to choose a way to die
It'd be with you
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your face
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your cherub face

How does it feel?

------------------------------------

Expression. Risk. Love. Life. Romantic. If only...

this was for you...

Not So BlogTastic

2006-06-02T15:47:00.000-06:00

I am utterly disapointed. With everyone. Including myself. Every blog that I regularly visit is still the same. No new updates. If there are new updates they are weeks apart. It is really quite pathetic. The sad thing is that I know I am also guilty of blog neglecting. This makes me an expert on excuses... too busy, boring life, nothing new is happening, no time, no creativity, lethargy, etc. These excuses are empty and should not hinder a true blogger. Which leads me to my next thought... are there any true bloggers left out there (in my circle of self claimed "bloggers")? I don't know but I do know we need to pick up the pace and put better quality material out there for our fellow bloggers to read. We must rally together! K I am losing interest in this...

Crazy French

2006-05-17T12:12:00.000-06:00

Ok so finally I am sitting down and typing up a blog about my trip to Quebec.
The trip was good. I stayed on a military base just outside of Quebec City called Cal Cartier. The conferance itself was allright, there were a few things that I would have done differently but it was ok. I got to experience the military mess hall, and military box lunches and that was pretty cool. Ok I am getting a bit ahead of myself, I should start at the begginning.

So I headed out to the airport Monday morning of the 8th and met up with Cheryl, Monika, and Graham. We picked up our tickets and went to head throught security. Everyone got through fine except for me... I forgot to take off my studded belt and so I set off the alarm like the 4th of July! And what did they do? Well how else do you treat a guy with peircings and a studded belt? Like a criminal! So they pull me off to the side and I apologize for forgetting the belt. I am not sure if I should take it off or not as she tells me to spread my legs and hold out my arms. She proceeds to scan me and treat me hostilly for about 5 minutes when she then semi yells at me that "You will need to remove that belt or I will have to call a male over here to proceed to scan you" She was a real bag. So I am take off the belt and she proceeds to scan me for another 5 mins. She keeps scanning over my right pocket and there is a the tiniest beep from her wand thingy. After awhile she says that it is probably the rivets in my jeans but continues to scan me... finally she lets me proceed. Then the flight was good. And the conferance was good. I really enjoyed getting to see Old Quebec City and going to the Citadel. Everything was so beautiful and sometime I would like to spend some time there with friends. The streets were so narrow in a lot of places, and the buildings and architecture were so beautiful! Anyways yea the conferance was good, the kids liked it. Then on the way home I had another run in with Security... I thought to myself "I will not wear my belt so that I do not have that same problem again." What a brilliant thought eh? Well no not really...in Quebec city they actually scan your checked in luggage... not like Saskatoon, and when they scanned it they saw my belt in it ang they made my open up my suitcase and unpack everything and they inspected the belt and what not then they said all was good and that I could pack it up. SO I pack it up and head to the counter to get my boarding bass. I chat with the lady a bit and then she asks me "Have you been through security?" I look around and want to yell "No I just materialized through the wall!" I mean how the hell else would i get to the counter seeing as you HAVE TO GO through security! but instead I politely reply "Yes I have" and she is all like "o well you don't have a red tag saying you have been through security, I am sorry but could you please go back." So i go back, I mean its not her fault, she was a nice enough lady. Anyways, with my luck the lady that first took my thought security wasn't there so the new lady proceeded to make me unpack again. Luckily the first lady that sent me through ran up and told them I had been through once already so it wasn't as bad. They still however did not put a red sticker on my back but instead escorted me. Then when I went through carry on security they made me open my briefcase and turn on all my electronics and then they swabbed it down! I mean i guess they thought i had anthrax or something in it... HA. So then I was on the plane and on my way home and I was so happy to be back in Saskatchewan where we don't speak french and there are less crazy people! Thats my story.

Quebec

2006-05-07T23:18:00.000-06:00

So I am on my way to Quebec tomorrow morning! My plane is leaving at 10:30. I am so excited! I am going on an all expenses paid trip to Quebec from the 8th of May to the 11th of May. It should be good times. I get to go with 2 youth from the Youth Centre that I work at, along with my supervisor lady person. I am just so happy to be going there and travelling. I really do not have much more to write about. Nothing has been really going on in my life lately... ummm yea. Work is great, life is pretty good... This is really turning into a boring blog... maybe I will have some adventures in Quebec! I really should go pack...

Long Overdue!

2006-04-27T12:12:00.000-06:00

Ok so it has been over a month since I have posted my last blog entry. That is rediculous! Alot has happened since then too. School has finished, I have a job, I have moved, got a hair cut, etc. Life is pretty grand. I think it is harder to write a blog when life is great... hence why blogs are such an emo thing.

Well I finished up my exams and am so happy to be done for the summer. School was killing me slowly! I think I did pretty well on the exams... not as good as I would have liked but I think I did allright. One thing about school being over that sucks is that I can't just go over there when I am bored and hang out with awesome people like Sheldon! I'm gonna miss our random dorm chats man!

Speaking of missing people... I really miss Rhiannon! She is off to the Yukon for the summer making loads of cash for our Cali trip. I really need to get on making more money for the trip. Anyways, things just aren't the same without her smiling face around. Plus the fact that she really helped me keep my head on straight. Thanks for all those morning phone calls Rhiannon! I prolly would have missed the whole second semester of classes if you hadn't been my alarm clock! It's alot nicer to wake up to a pretty vioce on the phone then it is to wake up to the screeching of an alarm clock (although somehow I can manage to sleep through it!). Heres a song for you:

---------------------
Miles Apart ~ Yellow Card

If I could I would do all of this again
Travel back in time with you to where this all began
We could hide inside ourselves and leave the world behind
And make believe there's something left to find

We'll be miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
A new life to start
I may be leaving but you're always in my heart

Now we've all grown up, gone on and moved away
Nothing I can do about it, nothing I can say
To bring us back to where we were when life was not this hard (life was not this hard)
Looking back it all just seems so far, so far away

We'll be miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
A new life to start
I may be leaving but you're always in my heart

I'd give it up for just one more day with you
Give it up for just one more day
I'd give it up for just one more day with you

I'd give it up for just one more day with you
Give it up for just one more day
I'd give it up for just one more day with you

I'd give it up for just one more day with you
Give it up, give it all away
I'd give it up for just one more day with you

We'll be miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
A new life to start
I may be leaving but you're always in my heart

I need you now, we're miles apart
I'll keep you deep inside
You're always in my heart
I need you now, we're miles apart
I may be leaving but you're always in my heart

-----------------------

You really do mean alot to me and everything will be great when you get back! Trust me!

Now that this has turned into a shout out blog I must also give a shout out to the third leg of the Tripod, the Amazing Amanda Driedger! Her, Rhiannon and I have become very close friends in the last couple months and it has been fantastic. We never stop laughing, it hurts sometimes. Things just would not be the same without Mandis random hand gestures and funny antics. She is great. Oh and she better not ditch me this summer... I am not that easy to get rid of!

Amanda and Rhiannon are two amazing girls, slightly crazy but thats why I love them so much! I can not wait until August when we have some pretty awesome stuff planned! I am so very happy that I have them both as my closest friends. I would take a bullet for either of them... so if you ever hurt one of them I will have to hunt you down and pull your tongue through your throat... or worse, I haven't decided yet.

So yeah, umm, I have a new sweetass (bum) job! I work for the military running a drop in centre. It really rocks, and the pay is quite good. Unfortunatly it is only part time so I will need to find another job... which I really should get on doing...

I also have moved into a new place. It is an apartment which kinna blows but the place is awesome! I absolutely love it! I am still working on unpacking and stuff but it will be awesome once I am settled in!

Well I beleive that is about everything I have to say at the moment. I am sure that I will be writing more entires like I know how, so stay tuned!

I Hear Noises ~ Tegan and Sara

2006-03-24T08:19:00.000-06:00

I am disappointed
Every morning that I wake up
I am disappointed by the feeling
Of waking up next to you
You call me up, let me know that
That my sick guilt is so unwelcome
It's so unwelcome yeah
I hear noises in the darkness
I hear sadness in your voice
I hear noises in the darkness
I hear sadness inside you
My health is failing me
So I flip on the television
And watch sad movies
And look for sad sick people like me
Call me up, and let me know that
That my sick guilt is so unwelcome
I'm so unwelcome
I'm so unwelcome
I hear noises in the darkness
I hear sadness in your voice
I hear noises in the darkness
I hear sadness inside you
We could go
(We could go)
We could go through the front door
(Through the front door)
We could go
(We could go)
We go in through the front door
(Through the front door)
We could go
(We could go)
We go in through the front door
(Through the front door)
We could go
(We could go)
I come in through the front door
Through the front door
And the pills they will not
Will not
Will not
Will not let me go
And I will not
Will not
Will not let you drink yourself alone
Call me up and let me know that
That my sick guilt is so unwelcome
You're so unwelcome
You're so unwelcome
I hear noises in the darkness
I hear sadness in your voice
I hear noises in the darkness
I hear sadness inside you
I hear noises in the darkness
I hear sadness inside you
I hear sadness inside you

2006-03-14T09:36:00.000-06:00

Ok so I have not blogged in awhile. The reason for that is really quite simple. I have been injected with the T-Virus. So it is only a matter of time before I become a zombie. Which would be pretty cool when I think about it. I mean I wouldn't mind being the undead. But not the stupid shoot'em in the head sort of undead from the movies. More like the undead from World of Warcraft. Undead with a mission! Anyways I think I am going to end this blog... I'm getting really hungry.

My Morning

2006-03-08T14:40:00.000-06:00

So some of you may have noticed that I wasn't in class today. There is a really good explanation for that. I was laying in my bed fast asleep when I suddenly awoke to what I thought was popcorn popping. I was so wrong. Turned out to be a machine gun that was held by that dark shadowy figure I have come to call Tony Knight. Now you may wonder why I wasn't killed at that moment. I mean I am vulnerable and in bed with being asleep and all and he is about 10 feet away from me but he still managed to miss me. Now thinking that is a good thought but something you need to know about Tony Knight is that he likes to play games. The first shots were only warning shots. So anyways, when I realized what was going on I rolled off of my bed and onto the floor. I flipped up the bed (luckily I have iron plating between the box spring and the matress) and hid behind it. I grab Ebony and Ivory (my handguns) which I keep taped under my bed. There is a shower of bullets raining down on the other side of the mattress. I see my jeans layin on the floor beside me and quickly put them on. I grab a shirt that had gotten pushed under the bed as well. Cement chips are flying out of the wall. Suddenly there is silence. I quickly roll out from the side of the bed and return fire. The shadow figure throws aside the machine gun and pulls out a shot gun that he had on his back. He fires a quick shot that sends me leaping behind the furnace so that I don't recieve the buck shot that was fired at me. I fire off a few more shots has he bolts up the stairs. He likes playing games. He always wants me to follow him. I wonder what would happen if I didn't follow him. What if I just stayed right here? As these thoughts go through my mind I hear a clanking on the stairs. I look over and see a frag grenade bouncing down. I jump up and run for the stairs. I lunge up the them as fast as I can as the grenade explodes behind. The explosion sends me flying into the wall in the kitchen. I quickly pull myself up afraid that Tony Knight is standing in the kitchen some where waiting to stab me or shoot me but I can't see him anywhere. However, I do see the door wide open and I feel a draft from the cold Saskatchewan air. I brush myself off and walk to the side of the door and peak around the corner. I see him hiding over by the garbage can. I fire 3 shots in his direction and decide that if I am going to go after him then I will need more weapons and more ammo. I grab my hunting knife and my extra clips that I have stashed in the kitchen. I look at the clock and see that I am going to be late for class but unfortunatly this is more important at the moment. I lean out the door again and real back as the shot gun peppers my doorway. I am going to need some grenades. I crawl over to the grenade drawer, also known as the canned goods drawer, and grab my belt of grenades. I pull one off the belt, yank one out the pin and lob the grenade at the trash can. I watch as TK runs and dives behind a parked car. The explosion shakes everything. I run outside shooting at the spot the TK jumped behind. I run up to the car and see that I must have hit him in the leg because there is shadow blood in the snow. As I look to see where the trail of blood goes I feel a sharp burning sensation in my calf. I should have been more careful! TK had buried a large knife into my leg. I fall to the ground and TK jumps on me trying to wrestle Ebony and Ivory away from me. At this point we hear police sirens. Someone must have called the police. TK quickly stops fighting and runs off between the houses. And thats why I was not in class. The police took me in for questioning.

Random School Computer Blog

2006-03-07T13:16:00.000-06:00

So I was just sitting at the school in the computer room. There were actually alot of people in there doing the regular what not that people do in a computer lab. Others were talking on msn, playing games, writing emails, etc. I on the other hand was listening to Dido and writing a blog. It was pretty sweet. It was just like any other day, the sun was shining, the freezing rain had fallen throughout the night causing everything to be a frozen tundra of sheer iceness (I hate Saskatchewan). Anyways I digress. So I was just sitting there minding my own business and writing a boring blog as usual when suddenly from out of nowhere the computer that was on the right of me explodes spewing molten computer all over of Matt's face. Writhing and screaming he falls to the floor cluching what is left of his face in his hands. Marilee, Caitlin, Steph, starla and Kristine freak out and start screaming. Startled and taken aback I jump over to where Matt is laying on the floor. As I reach down to help him, and possibly drive him to a hospital, I hear another explosion come from right behind me. I already knew that another computer had exploded before I turned around but when I turned around I saw that Scott was not able to escape the blast. He was missing his left arm but the explosion had cautorized his wound so he was actually doing alright. I yelled to everyone to get the hell out of the computer lab. I knew what was coming if we didn't and it would not be pretty. Scott helped me drag Matt out as more computers started exploding. Luckily we made it out into the hallway before anyone else was seriously injured. I kneeled down to check Matt's pulse. Scott was seriously angry at the loss of his favorite arm that he started freaking out and yelling "Now what am I suppose to do!" His loss enraged him so much that he punched the wall with his good arm and to his surprise his fist went right through the wall. "Holy Crap!" he yelled as he pulled his arm from the wall. "I just punched through that brick wall!" I jumped up and stared in shock at the hole in the wall. Scott and I then heard a groan behind us. We turned around and saw Matt standing up shaking his head grogilly. "What happened?" he inquired. Before we could answer the question he answered it for himself. "When the molten computer exploded on my face the wiring and everything must have fused with my brain causing me to be a human computer!" We all just stood there in shock. "Why did the computers start exploding though?" queried Scott. We all walked back into the computer room and Matt started picking things up from the debris. "Radioactive-electromagnitismness" replied Matt, "Thats what caused your super strength and my computing ability." As I surveyed the wreckage and thought to myself that I was ripped off for not recieving some sort of power it dawned on my who was behind the attack. Tony Knight. He was back. He was angry. This attack was just the beggining of something much bigger.

2006-02-26T19:01:00.000-06:00

Gatsby's American Dream Lyrics
Just Like Heaven Lyrics

[Originally by The Cure]

Show me, show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream she said
The one that makes me laugh she said
And threw her arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you, promise that
I’ll run away with you
I’ll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
Why are you so far away? she said
Why won’t you ever know that I’m in love with you
Oh I’m in love with you

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You’re just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe her name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only girl I loved
And drowned her deep inside of me

You
Soft and only
You
Lost and lonely
You
Just like heaven

Ok So I have been sitting down trying to type something, anything and nothing has been good enough for me to write... except for now... this song is.... phenominal.

Pulp Fiction

2006-02-17T19:34:00.000-06:00

Do you read the bible Ringo?
Not regularly no.
Well there is this passage I got memorized.

Ezekiel 25:17.

"The path of the righteous man is beset on
all sides by the inequities of the
selfish and the tyranny of evil
men. Blessed is he who, in the
name of charity and good will,
shepherds the weak through the
valley of darkness, for he is truly
his brother's keeper and the finder
of lost children. And I will
strike down upon thee with great
vengeance and furious anger those
who attempt to poison and destroy
my brothers. And you will know my
name is the Lord when I lay my
vengeance upon you."

I've been saying that shit for years and if you heard it that meant your ass. I never gave much thought to what it meant, I just thought it was some cold blooded shit to say to a mother fucker before I popped a cap in his ass. Well I saw some shit this morning that made me think twice... see now I'm thinking maybe it means your the evil man and I am the righteuos man and mister 9mm here... he's the shephard protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness or it could mean your the righteous man and I am the shephard and its the world that is evil and selfish. Now I like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is your the weak and I am the tyranny of evil men, but I'm trying Ringo, I'm trying real hard to be the shephard.

---------------------------------------

Pulp Fiction... again a lot of language but one of the best movies ever!

... but I'm trying... I'm trying real hard to be the shephard... the goings not easy... I didn't expect it to be.... but I never anticipated things would be this hard... but I'm trying, Lord knows I'm trying.

GSF (Girls Schmirls Foundation)

2006-02-17T13:44:00.000-06:00

You didn't have to be to mean to me I guess now I see
how it's gonna be

I'm joining GSF, I've made up my mind, forget this they call
love
It's a waste of time yeah, yeah waste of time

Girls ain't no good anymore, anyway
Not for one second have I understood
why they do what they do, why they say what they say

You can all go away

Always happens to my friends, always happens to me
It's taken me nineteen years to finally see
She said "can we just be friends, it's just not working out"
Another broken heart that I can do without. Do without

Yeah

Girls ain't no good, anymore, anyway
Not for one second have I understood
why they do what they do. Why they say what they say.

MxPx

March 7th.... 2006.... Prarieland Exibition.... Saskatoon, Saskatchewan... Mxpx will be

2006-02-14T10:19:00.000-06:00

Sitting at my computer desk. Work in half and hour. Not sure what to type. Had some ideas but they just don't seem good enough. Valentines Day today. No Plans. Have to work most of the day anyways. Want to leave. Want to up and leave and not tell anyone. Not that many people would notice me gone, but it wouldn't be so that they notice. It would be so that I would notice. Wish I had the money to go where it rains instead of snows. Hide in a mountain for a while. This is more depressing then I expected it to be. Honestly, I'm not really depressed I am more frustrated. Frustrated with lots of things. If you can't get ahold of me it's because I left.

----------------------------

The Truth About Heaven

Walk past my grave in the dark tonight,
Saw the stone and the note you left for me,
to answer your question I just had to leave,
I just had to leave,

But that's not why I'm here,
I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long,
I wanna find you so bad and let you know I'm miserable up here without you,

Found my way back in the dark tonight,
Couldn't wake up not right next to you,
I'd trade forever to just hear you say the sound of my name,

But that's not why I'm here,
I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long,
I wanna find you so bad and let you know I'm miserable up here without you,

Don't believe that it's better when you leave everything behind,
Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die,
Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die,

I came down here to tell you it rains in heaven all day long,
I wanna find you so bad and let you know I'm miserable up here without you,

Don't believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die

--------------------------

The End Of Fraud

I’m leaving again
For the second time around
You better believe
That this was all just a joke to me
And as I look down on them
I repeat these words in my head
“They never heard one sound out of my mouth.
They never heard one sound.”

I saw pretty clear
That when I left
You all stayed the same
Now I think I believe
That I was never alive in the first place
They never heard one sound out of my mouth
They never heard one sound out of my mouth
They never heard one sound out of my mouth
They never heard one sound

Don’t believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die
Don’t believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die
Don’t believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die
Don’t believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die
Don’t believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die
Don’t believe that the weather is perfect the day that you die

-------------------------------------

Car Underwater

Believe the news, I'm gone for good.
Call off the search, no one will know that I'm down here
Believe the note I left for you
You can't turn back the clocks, you can't pull me up from here, so don't try

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

Make time slower, give me longer.
It's too late for me, no one will know that I'm down here.
And believe your dreams of me sinking
so far, below, you can't pull me up from here so don't try.

In a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

Leave it up to me. To burden you again.
This ones not your fault. Please forgive me.

Leave it up to me (leave it up to me). To burden you again (To burden you again).
This ones not your fault. So forget, so forget, so forget me.

Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Just let me go.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Just let me go.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.
Don't think back, don't think back of me at all.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

I'm in a car underwater with time to kill, thinking back I forgot to tell you this
I didn't care that you left and abandoned me, what hurts more is I would still die for you.

and I would still die for you
I would still die for you
and I would still die for you
I would still die for you
and I would still die for you...

All The Above Songs are from Armor For Sleep

Well I am off.

The Day The Shadow Was Released

2006-02-08T13:58:00.000-06:00

I ask you, "How could you understand? How could you understand the way I feel about god... How could you understand anything, about me at all..."

You just stand there and shrug your shoulders with the same unknowing look on your face that you always have when I see you. I tell you, "I am the wind, singing a sad song. I am a volcano, and i'll hurt you all."

You just smile like I said something funny. You tell me "Everything will be ok." Who are you to know? If you only knew what happened... My pride, ripped a hole in the world that set loose...

A shadow!

So you tell me how could you understand the way I feel about god! How could you understand anything, about me at all! I told you I am the wind, singing a sad song, a volcano, and I will hurt you all.

But will you listen? Do you hear the words I say? You are caught up in your rightiousness, too busy to notice. Too busy weaving a web of lies, self destruction. While you destroy yourself through denial I destroy myself through reality. How could you understand? I watch as illows and billows of smoke rise above the ruined ashes. I sail, to jaws of the dragon. I see the beast before me: A shadow, behind me and the only certainty is that I'll hurt you all... That I will hurt myself.

I Love Scrubs!

2006-02-08T02:40:00.000-06:00

I seriously love Scrubs! I love the show so much. I have watched it so many times and I just can not get enough. The only thing I wish is that I had friends that watched it with me and loved it as much as I do. There are so many great lines in that series. So funny. Anyways I was going to write more but this typing is distracting me from Scrubs....

The time for sleep is now....

2006-02-05T02:24:00.000-06:00

Take Her To The Music Store ~ From Autumn To Ashes

You break my heart into a thousand pieces, and you say it's becuase I deserve better?
You break my heart
You break my heart
You break my heart
You break my heart into a thousand pieces, and you say it's becuase I deserve better?

Emotionless grey skies bleed somber dreams of sorrow
Blackened unseen heart tears a virgins godlike innocence from its pristine palace
Paint sarcastic smiles upon new wounds
Tears of misery stain scar filled minds
Hatred new like tomorrow flows from bitter memories
Purity now embraced by sinful ideals why
Lifeless tomb rests weary with prowling peering eyes
Silence falls upon deaf ears covered by night
Alone in thought, shaking
Biting tongues of lead at unfit moments
Screaming disbelief with no faith in site

[and her disgust has no borders, no limits to strive for,
she bends and breaks to the rules set by the weak]

She's finally seen she's a beautiful girl with a smile so grand she could stop the world
Stolen her skin he sews her mouth shut, means nothing to him, her screams just die out
As she cries out here voice dies out
As she cries out her voice dies out
Love once inside her heart, lay in my hands
Was it asked for?
Was it implied?
What could have been done?
Inside her mind dies.

---------------------------

Today
A Day of Nothingness
I didn't really do anything. Still was feeling emo so I ended up renting some movies and watching them. It was good times. I am about to head to bed. Hopefully I can wake up for church tomorrow. Anyways I wanted to blog about a thought I had. Hopefully I can get it out of my head properly.

WARNING! The following may possibly give away important plot information for Aeon Flux/Existenz/The BoogeyMan; so if you plan to watch these movies untainted then DO NOT read farther.

If you would like to read some information that may help you understand what I am talking to then please visit the following links:

http://www.aeonflux.com/
http://www.haro-online.com/movies/existenz.html
http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/boogeyman/spinvision/boogeyman_home.html --> (Then Click on "about the movie")

You also can just Google the movies to read things about them (that is what I did to get those sites... my opinion and views may differ from the sites and I am not held accountable for the content)Once again I warn that there may be revealing plot information following.

Anyways now that I have that all out of the way...

First thought:
What if we could travel through closets and underbeds like in "The boogeyman"? Like for real! That would be so awesome! I would love it... feel free to comment or leave a message on the cbox to start a discussion about any of my "thoughts"

break for a song lyric interlude...why? because I can and I like this song and I am listening to it right now...

Sunrise, Sunset ~ Bright Eyes

Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
Swiftly go the days.
Sunrise, sunset.
You wake up, then you undress.
It always is the same.
a sunrise and the sun sets.
You’re lying while you confess, keep trying to explain.
a sunrise and the sun sets you realize
then you forget what you’ve been trying to retain.
But everybody knows it’s all about the things
that get stuck inside of your head,
like the songs your roommate sings
a vision of her body as she stretches out on your bed.
and she raised her hands in the air asked you,
When was the last time you looked in the mirror?
cause you have changed.
Yeah, you have changed.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
You are hopeful and then you regret.
The circle never breaks.
With a sunrise and a sunset there’s a change of heart or address.
Is there nothing that remains?
For a sunrise or a sunset.
You’re manic or you’re depressed.
Will you ever feel ok?
for a sunrise or sunset, your lover is an actress.
Did you really think she’d stay?
For a sunrise or sunset.
You’re either coming or you just left but you’re always on the way.
Towards a sunrise or a sunset, a scribble or a sonnet.
They are really just the same.
To the sunrise and the sunset.
The master and his servant have exactly the same fate.
It’s a sunrise and a sunset.
From a cradle to a casket.
There’s no way to escape.
The sunrise and the sunset.
Hold your sadness like a puppet, keep putting on the play.
But everything you do is leading to the point
where you just won’t know what to do.
And at that moment you may laugh
but there is someone there who will be laughing louder than you.
So it’s true, the trick is complete.
become everything you said that you never would be.
You’re a fool! You’re a fool!
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, sunset.
The sunrise and the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, the sun sets.
Sunrise, sunset.
Go home to your apartment
put the cassette in the tape deck and let that fever play.
Sunrise, sunset.
Where are you Arienette?
Where are you Arienette?

Second thought:
I was watching Boogeyman and there was an actor in the movie that reminded me of someone I know. This got me to thinking about Aeon Flux and the issues in it. What if some of those things were true? Like what if people we "think we have seen before" and the people who "look familiar" or we "feel" we "know" actually are people we have ran across before in former lives. I know this thought would be hard to mesh with religion... or christianity anyways but... well what if God created only an X number of people and spirits get recycled or can go back (like in What Dreams May Come) We are not really products of our parents but rather products of spirits. Like our parents don't have a whole lot to do with who we are or how we look but rather it is just some ingenious planning to make sure we end up with "our dads nose" and "our moms eyes". We keep going through life until we have learned what it is we need to know for the after life. Now I don't know if I am getting this thought out properly or not. I do know however that there are alot of wholes in this thought like how does the population keep getting bigger and yada yada. Yea I know. Not my point. I'm not really trying to make a theology or anything here... only using my creative brain to think of interesting and creative thoughts so that I am not just a useless peice of stupid flesh. Anyways. The time for sleep is now!

Give Me A Reason, I'll Show You An Excuse

2006-02-04T01:25:00.000-06:00

Destroyed by You ~ MxPx

Can someone tell me why I'm feeling this way?
Can someone tell me why this world is so grey?
It's never just black and white
So much went on tonight
was I wrong or was I right?
You think the whole world revolves around your head
You are ignoring me, you haven't heard a word I've just said
Why can't I just pull myself together?
What's done is done, never say never
Can someone tell me why I'm feeling this way?
Can someone tell me why this world is so grey?
It's never just black and white
So much went on tonight
was I wrong or was I right?
Always look for good in the bad
learn from the mistakes that I have had
I re and re-learn
to let it go
talk is easy
but it's so hard to show
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NANA
NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NANA

------------------------

Ok so right now I could be sleeping... or I could be writing up all the songs that totally fit my mood mentality. But instead I am not going to, rather I am just going to listen to them and enjoy them and mope around my dark basement. As you may have already deduced from the mood of todays blog I am feeling grey. Possibly blue if I could see in color. Misplaced Memories I've retraced my steps so many times, maybe the answers are right here in front of me. Wow. MxPx really hits the nail on the head so many times, in so many songs. And Gatsbys American Dream... just perfect. It seems just like yesterday...

Blah, I seem to be getting into bad moods more and more lately... and they keep getting worse. Nobody has prolly noticed. I am 2. If you understand. It is so weird. Take a closer look. If I went into detail I could rant for hours on hours, but alot of it is just stupid sort of... I dunno. If I were to burst like the dam I am... my teeth would be all over the floor. If you understand. Thats something I say alot. Maybe you have noticed, maybe you have not.

Ok so right now I could be sleeping... or I could be writing up all the songs that totally fit my mood mentality. But instead I am not going to, rather I am just going to listen to them and enjoy them and chill out in my awesome basement. As you may have already deduced from the mood of todays blog I am feeling good. Possibly great if I could go that far. This life is good, the road is clear, it's time to shift into high gear, Everything we're passing fades, it's whats inside our hearts that stays. Wow. MxPx really hits the nail on the head so many times, in so many songs. And Gatsbys American Dream... just perfect. It seems just like yesterday...

Yea, I seem to be getting into a good mood more and more lately... and they keep getting better. Nobody has prolly noticed. I am 2. If you understand. It is so weird. Take a closer look. If I went into detail I could rant for hours on hours, but alot of it is just stupid sort of... I dunno. If I were to burst like the dam I am.... my teeth would be all over the floor. If you understand. Thats something I say alot. Maybe you have noticed, maybe you have not.

-------------------------

Prove it to the World ~ MxPx

I can't hold back
I can't relax
I can't let go
I can't say no
Can't take the time
Can't make you mine
Can't know for sure
Can't find the cure

And what does this all mean?
And after all I've seen

I'm gonna prove it to the world
I'm gonna prove it to the world
I'm gonna prove it to the world
So here I go

Can't ascertain
I can't refrain
I can't decline
I won't fall behind
I won't sit down
I won't leave town
I can't deny
And I won't cry

And what does this all mean?
And after all I've seen

I'm gonna prove it to the world
I'm gonna prove it to the world
I'm gonna prove it to the world
So here I go
Uh oh oh. . .

Gatsbys American Dream Rules, and... stuff drools? Yea I got nothing...

2006-02-03T00:27:00.000-06:00

It has been a little while since I have blogged, I mean I posted songs by the awesome band GAD, but not a real blog. Maybe thats because I am busy or don't have time or (isn't that, like the same thing? [SHUTUP! I'm tired]) cause I am STILL sick! The sickness came back. It saddens me. I have a pretty crappy day today. Feeling sick didn't help and almost fainting down my stairs was not cool. Today was just the culmination of thoughts and feelings I guess though. I didn't feel like going to school or getting out of bed but I still got up and was all ready to go when I almost fainted down my stairs and my nose continued running like the day before and my eyes started watering. And here I had thought this cold was leaving me, but no it grabs me and pulls me down when all I need is a lift. Not that anything is really bad in my life just, you know, that inner turmoil thing... maybe you don't know. Anyways yea. After that I spent the rest of the day at the doctors office where I got a jerk of a doctor. I got meds but he wouldn't tell me what sickness I had! He was just like these will help and left. But yea I ended up not going to work. I went to the school... I prolly should have slept but instead I decided to be around people... I was in one of those moods where I want others around but at the same time I could not stand people. I chatted with Rhiannon and that was good. It actually picked up my mood for the evening, well part of it I anyways. But now I am home and the sames things are plagueing me. Yea... I can't really sleep... I wonder if it is the meds. My eyes are all blurry... thats not cool... on my meds container it says to not eat or drink grapfruit (juice) while on this medication... interesting. Anyways my head is wandering and I am typing random things that I am not even thinking about, my nose hurts, my ears are irritating me... I think I am going to jab a pen in each nostril and each ear and then go to bed. Good night...

The Loosing Of Shadows

2006-01-31T07:41:00.000-06:00

How could you understand?
The way I feel about god...
How could you understand?
Anything, about me at all...
I am the wind, singing a sad song
I am a volcano, and i'll hurt you all
My pride, ripped a hole in the world that set loose...
A shadow!
How could you understand?
The way I feel about god
How could you understand?
Anything, about me at all
I am the wind, singing a sad song
I am a volcano, and i'll hurt you all
Billows and billows
Watch the smoke rise
I sail, to jaws of the dragon
A beast before me
A shadow, behind me and the only certainty
I'll hurt you all

~ Gatsbys American Dream

Theatre

2006-01-28T19:16:00.000-06:00

I see the world in a swirl of hues,
but my favorite color is shame.

Tonight the sky is painted...
Tonight the sky is painted melancholy
and the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tradgedy on the far side of the world.

We're in the deep pockets of my mind,
where i lust after blood and pain.

Tonight the sky is painted...
Tonight the sky is painted melancholy
and the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tradgedy on the far side of the world.

I am I and the world is a woman
from who i must take take take.
In an act of lust, no, in an act of pride
And I am damned, but can I be saved?
but can i be saved?...saved

Tonight the sky is painted...(echo)
Tonight the sky is painted...(echo)
Tonight the sky is painted...(Tonight the sky is)
Melancholy and the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tradgedy on the far side of the world.

And the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tradgedy on the far side of the world.

~ Gatsby's American Dream

Thank you For the Venom

2006-01-27T01:00:00.001-06:00

This song (song? why the heck did I write song, I meant blog! although the title is from a song) has nothing to do with being stabbed in the back or poisoned by a friend... which is what I thought of when I wrote the title (the title just seems like that is what it would be about... well it's not ok so get off my back!) but rather what it has to do with is.... WHY AM I FLIPPING AWAKE! I WANT TO SLEEP! I hate it when insomnia attacks me. I was staying up to do homwork which I am doing but seriously I just want to go to bed. ANd why why oh why does every happy song that is on my random playlist have to be followed by an emo, tear jerking, heart wrenching, curl up in the fetal position and hold a pillow song! They are great songs mind you but thats not my point. The point is, I don't know what the point is. I need to get out and do something fun. Go to movie, go out for coffee, something involving going out. Even a walk. I should go for walk tommroowo... yeah maybe... or maybe not. Anyways I want to know why the News Casters don't cry when they read about the people that die. You would think it would be enough to put a tear in their eye. I love you Jack Johnson... Comfort me Norah Jones... after MxPx sings Chick magnet...

I just had an image flash through my head of me lighting my hair on fire and running down the streat holding a spatula and screaming "Huzzah the witch is dead, the wicked witch is dead"... haha... I don't even know where that came from but I am freaking laughing my head off... I'm not crazy.

Procrastination and Such

2006-01-26T13:22:00.000-06:00

Ok so I am supposed to be doing my homework today. I skipped all my classes today so that I could get my assignments done. So far I am doing pretty good but I decided to take a break. Plus I should find something to eat. Anyways So much has gone on since my birthday that I don't even know what to write about!!

Birthday

Well my birthday was pretty good thanks to the girls on my blitz team and especially Rhiannon (and Amanda who were the only people who got me a birthday present beside my parents!). So yea I got in the van the day of my birth for our trip to Melville/Yorkton and the van had happy birthday decorations and a ballon on the antenea! There was a present and candy on the dash. When we got to melville they brought me a brownie with candles on it! It was pretty sweet! I appreciated it.

The Trip

The trip was pretty awesome! I love my Blitz team. We all seem to get along really well... and pick on each other all in good fun. We really came together and made the weekend fantastic even though we had started out in some confusion... and maybe a little bit of unpreparedNESS (that was for you nessa!) Melville was awesome and I really enjoyed the church and the youth. Yorkton went well too even though we had some setbacks. I could go into detail about the whole weekend and all the fun things we did and jokes that happened but it might get too "lengthy" right Russ? But yea everyone who spoke on the weekend spoke really well. Phil did a good job as did Rhiannon and Russ. I really enjoyed it. Piper and Mellissa and Kristine did awesome on the worship and Marilee did a great job with the kids. I can't wait until we go on another trip.

Homework Update

I am done Fee, halfway done Longenecker, and Still need to read Soultalk. I plan to have Longenecker done and Soultalk half read by tonight and then finish Soultalk tommorow. I wish i didn't have to work...

CD Update

Ok so my CD's went missing this summer and I was looking everywhere for them and could not find them anywhere so I thought they were stolen but then yesterday my brother gets in my car and goes, "Hey is this your CD case" and at first I thought it was Joshs' (I miss you man you need to visit) but then I realized I had given his cds to STevie. So yea... I have my CD's back! I missed them so much.

Preaching

So I preached on Wednesday night at Jr. Youth. It went really well! I really enjoyed it and can't wait for more experience. I spoke on the condition of the inside and outside of people and how God measures us not by how we look but by our heart and intentions. I was surprised how well everyone listened.

Relationship

Still single...
whats a guy gotta do? (I was just listening to that song for those of you who know what I am talking about... Amanda H)

God

I have been praying so much more and reading my bible alot more lately and it has been fantastic. I still need to improve on different areas in my life so keep me in your prayers.

I'm hungry and I really need to get back to my homework. Hope you enjoyed the Updates. (i'm still working on something special for my blog so keep tuned in!)

umm my song of the day is:

I need a girl who like to go to shows
I need a girl that won't make fun of my Clothes.
I'm looking for a special girl who wants to go all over the world,
If you're my special girl won't you let me know?

Do you have a boyfriend?
Or possibly a girlfriend?
Cause! I'm lonely all the time
And I wish that it would end.

I need a girl that likes to stay out late,
We'd share a cocktail, wouldn't it be great?
If only this were true then I would fall in love with you,
I'm looking for a special girl, could it be you?

I could write a stupid love song,
And sing it all across the world
But it wouldn't mean a thing.
Until I find my special girl.

When will I find my special girl?

That Special Girl ~ The Ataris

!i Happy Birthday to Me !i

2006-01-20T00:54:00.000-06:00

It's my birthday and I'll do what I want to
F*ck you it's my birthday.
A special holiday only for me, so do what I say,
it's my party, I'll make you cry if I want to...or leave.
F*ck you, it's not your birthday, so do what I say.

For 24 hours your wishing me well
364 days I'm in hell, Oh well.
Happy Birthday to me.

alone on my Birthday,
I'm going to Denny's 10 times today
No Tip! it's my birthday, so do what I say
How could you forget my birthday?
That's really immature
F*ck you for forgetting my birthday
you didn't do what I say

24 hours no wishing well
now 365 days I'm in Hell, Oh well.
Happy Birthday to me.

Happy Birthday to me, Spank Me!
Oh well, Happy Birthday to me,
I can't believe you forgot my birthday
it's my birthday and you're wrecking it
now it's just like any other day
you didn't do what I say
How could you forget my birthday?
That's really immature...

Happy Birthday To Me ~ The Vandals

------------------------------------

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a f*cking song and
I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can't wait.
(Yeah, some things just can't wait)

Happy Birthday To Me(Feb15) ~ Bright Eyes

------------------------------------

To Many Titles to Choose From

2006-01-17T00:03:00.000-06:00

Ok so here I was with a blank screen and feeling the need to write something but not being able to form anything in my brain. So I just left blogger in the background while I talked to Megan. While I was talking to her she triggered what I wanted to write about. And what that is is:

Pause

I have been sick for more than a week now and it really sucks but I have felt like my life has been on pause. Not a good pause like everything has finally stopped and the stress is gone and you can get things done but rather a nuetral pause; just a pause where it's not good or bad its just there. I look at my life, myself, where I am at, and where I was, and where I should be. I see things I want to change and things I don't want to go back to. Things I want to keep and things I want to throw away. I think I should be praying... at least a lot more than I am. I feel that God wants me to hear something but it seems so fuzzy and unclear right now. All your prayers will be appreciated.

Everyday

I put on a worship CD just a little while ago. It just doesn't seem to do what it used to. To be completely honest right now GC is what is making me think and pray and worship. I have found that more and more lately. I find God in the places alot of people say I won't. I find him in the everyday, in music, in work, in a non-christian converstation, alone... The church just doesn't seem to be where he shows up for me. I'm sure some people think thats great and others think its bad... but I think its... well real. And thats what I want. To be real, and to know the real. Things are hard. But I need to make alot of things in my life into a routine.

Older and Wiser? Or just Older....?

This Friday is my Birthday. Birthdays to me... well at least my own... has never been a big deal to me. I ussually find myself dissapointed. I am sorry to any of you that this may hurt but it's the truth. Birthdays when I was young were always good but it seems after the age of 12 (Holy crap that is 10 years ago already) birthdays just let me down. The only one that I remember that was fantastic was last year. It was nothing amazing. Just two of my bestfriends made me an oreo cake, I had a nap, I almost got another tattoo, and then my two friends and I went to a movie. (which wasn't that good but it was the friends that made it good) and my bestfriend/roomate Amos made me a Birthday Card that I still have and another friend just smiled and said Happy Birthday but it didn't seem like an obligated Happy birthday but a genuine Happy birthday. I don't even talk to these people very often anymore. I don't even know if any of them read this blog or not. But to Carissa, Chrystal, Amos, Mike, and Andrew Mac; thank you, it meant alot ( I don't remember what it was that you did Andrew but it was in my memory so thanks... for whatever it was... haha) As for this years birthday... I know I am going to be in a van on my way to melville and yorkton with some good friends and some people I barely know. At least I can't be let down with that, ha. Anyways, this is not me wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, or me hinting for anyone to try anything to make it great. I'm fine with a non-birthday. I am also not saying that there weren't people that made other birthdays special but i am saying the overall days let me down. Anyways enough about me getting older... I am going to be 22... I can't beleive that... I still feel 19. Cept for maybe the aches and pains and the not being able to function on zero sleep. Which leads me to the fact that I really should go to bed.

Playlist of the night (All are GC songs)

Can't Go on
In This World (Murder)
Time After Time
Festival Song
Overcome
Change
Hidden Track of Change
Wondering
We Beleive

------------------------
And on another note here is a song I wanted to post (although I actually wanted to post alot of songs...)

"Change"

on...on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on

I am lost in the see-thru
I think you lost yourself too
Throughout all of this confusion
I hope I somehow get to you
I practiced all the things I'd say
To tell you how I feel
And when I finally get my chance
It all seems so surreal
Cause from the first time I saw you
I only thought about you
I didn't know you
I wanted to hold on to
The things you'd never say to me

[Chorus:]
Cause you said
You can't change the way you feel
(I could never do that, I could never do that)
But you can't tell me this ain't real
Cause this is real
(And you would see right through that)
In the end it's all I've got
(So I would hold onto that)
So I'm gonna hold on
On and on and on and on
On and on and on and on and on and on and on

And now you've got me watching your eyes
(Watching just to see, watching just to see)
You've got me waiting just to see
(If you'll ever look at me)
If it goes away it never will
(Will it ever go? Will it ever go my way?)
Your eyes are watching me
Oh
And now you've got me thinking 'bout
The first time that I met you
Standing in a crowded room
But I could only see you
And I hope my words will get through
Cause now I can't forget you
I wanna tell you
If only I could reach you
And make you feel this way

[Chorus]

Ohhh
On and on and on
Ohhh
On and on and on and on

----------------------------------

Goodnight.

Lots Of Time And Nothing to Say

2006-01-16T00:31:00.000-06:00

The title says it all. All though I really do have lots to say but I have been having a hard time getting it out of my head. This happens to me from time to time. Plus I have been having a problem with starting to write a blog with a point but by the time I start writing it my mind drifts to something else. I think that last sentence that I wrote could be read in like at least 3 different ways and have different meanings... anyways thats not the point. Or is it? Well I am going to finish watching Alien and then either go to bed or blog again or do homework... why am I not asleep?

UNDERWATER

2006-01-14T22:44:00.000-06:00

Underwater I wrote drowning
I use to be such good, good swimmer
But for now my head is in the clouds
I'm a silly love song
A twisted elbow crush song
I would go to jail with only boys
Just to prove I was as tough as you
And when I get out for good behavior
I'll be writing love songs
Silly banging knee songs
I'm a car crash
But I have to get up
And every morning it's a clean up
All I need is time, time to love you
The forecast is grey
But we're staying inside
You must live close
I've seen you drive by
I left signs on the lawn
Where have they gone?
Did you take them to tease me?
To follow or lead me?
You're a silly love song
A verse chorus and such
Some silly love song
A verse chorus and such
I'm a car crash
But I have to get up
And every morning it's a cleanup
All I need is time, time to love you
All I need is time
All I need is time
All I need is time, time to love you
All I need is time
All I need is time
All I need is time, time to love you
Baby all I need is time, time to love you
Time to love you

~ Tegan & Sara

I hate the the government.... (but I'm not a terrorist!)

2006-01-13T11:23:00.000-06:00

Ok so now I am sitting in my bassment alone with a phone to my ear. I am trying to get a hold of student loans to see where the heck my money is! I called at 10:50 and am still waiting on the phone for someone to pick up. Oh look somone picked up but they said i should have pressed 1 instead of 2 and so they are going to transfer me over to the appropriate department. This is rediculous! Finally somone else picks up takes my information and then asks me when I took the documents in. I told him the date and he was like "Oh cause our computers are showing that the NSLSC has not recieved your documents yet. So you will have to contact them." And then proceeds to give me their number. So now I am on the phone waiting for and NSLSC rep to answer. I hate the music and the voices that come on and say "Please be assured someone will be with you shortly". Your kidding me! They hung up on me! I am really starting to get very upset here. (10 mins later) Now I am really pissed off! and so blah blah blah blah and the point is that they say I owe them money and I don't get the loan until that is paid... and blah blah blah I am too mad to finish this...

No Use For a Title

2006-01-13T10:18:00.000-06:00

Well not really no use for a a title but rather couldn't think of one I liked so yea. Here I am on a Friday sitting in my dark basement being sick out of my mind. I ussually have music to listen to but I am soon to reformat my computer so all my music has been transfered. So I'm sitting alone in silence. It is deafening. I hate being sick. But at least I don't have to work this weekend. Maybe I will feel good enough to hang out with friends... and maybe I will have some friends that will call me to hang out... maybe. Or else I will just sit in my basement listening to the silence and my own thoughts as my computer is reformatted. THis is like the 7th blog I have written and then decided I didn't like so I deleted... BUT before I could delete this one I decided that I would post it just for the heck of it. So here it goes.

God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You ~ 'N Sync

2006-01-09T10:16:00.000-06:00

Yeah....
Oh yes
Ohhh..yeah..
Can this be true?
Tell me, can this be real?
How can I put into words what I feel?
My life was complete
I thought I was whole
Why do I feel like I'm losing control?
I never thought that love could feel like this
and you've changed my world with just one kiss.
How can it be that right here with me
there's an angel?
It's a miracle...

Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep
When I look into your eyes
I know that it's true
God must have spent...
A little more time
On you...
(A little more time, yes he did baby)

In all of creation
All things great and small
You are the one that surpasses them all
More precious than
Any diamond or pearl
They broke the mold
When you came in this world
And I'm trying hard to figure out
Just how I ever did without
The warmth of your smile
The heart of a child
That's deep inside
Leaves me purified

Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep (and deep)
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep
When I look into your eyes
I know that it's true
God must have spent...
A little more time
On you...
(on you, on you, on you, you....on you, on you, on you, you..)
ohhh...
(on you, on you, on you, you....on you, on you, on you, you..)
yeah...

Never thought that love could feel like this
and you changed my world with just one kiss.
How can it be that right here with me
There's an angel?
It's a miracle...

Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep (peaceful and deep)
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep
When I look into your eyes
I know that it's true
God must have spent...
A little more time
On you...
(on you, on you, on you, you..)
God must have spent...
A little more time
on you
(on you, on you..you....you..oooh..yeah)
A little more time
on you...ohhh

------------------------------------

I did not post this for any specific reason or person.

------------------------------------

So I have been noticing how my posts have started getting pretty mundane and kind of boring. (maybe some of you think they always have...) I am not sure how to spice it up again. I feel like my creative juices have stopped flowing. I should start writing stories again or something. I don't know. Hmm... maybe I do have an idea... but it will take a while for me to complete... yeah that just might work. Well you will have to wait and see what it is that I am going to do but hopefully I will get it done soon! Anyways I need to go and get some stuff done. I am sure I will post again later.

There's a new wind blowing...

2006-01-04T13:19:00.000-06:00

So here I am at home. Alone. Doing nothing. I am bored. I should go out and do something. But I am not sure what. I have blitz in a couple hours. Thank goodness I do not work tonight! I would be so tired. Well this was supposed to be longer but I already know what I want to do. So I guess I will blog later.

blah!

2006-01-04T02:57:00.000-06:00

why am I awake

What's Wrong With Me?

2006-01-04T00:16:00.000-06:00

I am so happy right now... I don't know why. This giddy happy feeling isn't normal to me. It's awesome. Mostly because there is really no reason for it. I mean, I guess if you held me down and threatened to make me eat 30 pounds of raisins then maybe I would be able to pinpoint the source and tell you. But maybe not. I'm just sitting here in my room, chattin on msn. And there is nothing out of the normal. As I said to Amanda it is like reality and a dream. Its like orchards, and grass, and a sweet cool breeze, and moonlight, and blankets, and an old beaten path with a broken down wagon, and yea. Its like sunday morning, and flowers, and tag. I mean yea, I don't know. Hmm. We will see. This is just too weird....

Snowflake

2006-01-03T00:31:00.000-06:00

Could I express?
Could you respond?
Last night I saw my world expand...
This morning I awoke.
Why are these things imbedded into me?
Why do they plague me and haunt my every thought?
Beaten back by only myself and my thoughts of others
Do these things matter?
Everyone says they don't but I have experiences that do
Do you understand?
Could you?
Melting into the black walls
Fading from the inside out
Shallow Reality?
Built in thoughts and mind
I guess we will see
If it comes to that
If I can
Get Past

Could I?
Could you?
Last night I saw my world expand...
Tomorrow will I awake?
Can things change?
You plauge my every thought and haunt my mind.
Lifted up by only that
Could these become reality?
Many say no but experiences say they do
Do you understand?
Will you?
Emerging from the shadows
Flickering into existence
Misguided Dreams?
I guess we will see
If it comes to that
If I can
Get Past

If you can
Get past

The Circle Of Life

2006-01-02T15:10:00.000-06:00

So here I am sitting and eating a snickers bar while thinking about life. Ok, well not like all life in general or the meaning of life or anything like that but rather work. Work is a big part of our lives. We go to school to learn and gain skills to work. We then go to more school to gain more skills to work. So at first you might think life is school and the journey to work. But you would be wrong. We need to pay for school and the only way to pay for school is to work and get money (unless you are lucky enough to have your parents pay for it all). Now you might say "That's not true, what about a student loan?" Which is a good point but you still need to work to pay off that student loan eventually. We need to work to eat, we need to work to play, we need to work to get money to get the things we want. So really it's just about money and the means by which we get it. So it's really a vicious circle. I had a lot more to rant about work but I got bored. Plus I need to go to work.

So this is the New Year... And I don't feel any different

2006-01-01T14:52:00.000-06:00

Happy New Years Everyone.
I hope everyone had a good New Years.
Mine was really good, especially considering I spent 4 hours in the ER waiting room while Phil got stitches for his wound from a knife fight. Once I got off of work I called up Rhiannon and Amanda and went and hung out with them for New Years. We chatted and hung out, went on an unsuccessful cinnimon bun hunt, I ate Nachos with a hamburger patty on it, We watchted Pride and Prejudice (which is a really good movie, We joked and laughed and had an all around good time. After that Philip called and informed me he was in the ER awaiting stitches and needed to be picked up. So we went and waited for him to get stitches and then ended the night at about 5 in the morning when we finally left the hospital. There were alot of interesting people at the hospital...

Anyways that was a quick overview of my New Years.

ER

2006-01-01T05:11:00.000-06:00

Ok, so I was going to write about my New Years evening but I am really really tired. I spent 4 hours in the emergency room waiting room. Yea it was pretty awesome. Well I will probably blog about everything tomorrow sometime. For now I need sleep.

December Swallowed Us Whole

2005-12-30T15:24:00.000-06:00

Greetings! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Happy Emo December!

Ok so I have finally decided to take the time to sit down and write a serious blog and not just quote a song. This month of Decemeber has not dissapointed me, it has been as I suspected... Brutal. I have a strong dislike for Decemember for reasons I am not going to go into at this time.

This month I decided not to shave. I started 2 days before the end of November and will complete this endeavor on the 31st. Why you may ask, well let me tell you... Because I felt like it.

Christmas was good. I spent Christmas Day with all of my family and extended family (on my mothers side) and it was really good times. We had good food and good drinks and a good time together. We exchanged gag gifts, told jokes, and harrassed each other.

I had my Family Christmas (minus my sister because she is off in the boonies) on Thursday the 29th. It was really good to spend the time with my parents and brother. I got some gifts that I really needed and then some that I did not need so much. All in all it was great. Good food and drink again.

I am upset because my default main page when I load my browser is no longer my blog but some stupid messenger thing and it won't let me change it... agh so upsetting.

I have worked my but off this month. It really sucks actually. Besides the week I took off for finals I have only had a total of 3 days off. I have been working full time and still seem to have no money to show for it. Bills keep coming and rent seems always due. Luckily my loan will be in next week and I can pay off the school.

I am really looking forward to next semester. I am making some changes and expecting some changes if that makes sense.

I don't know what I am doing for New Years.

I only have 5 days until school starts, which I am looking forward to... especially because I will be cutting my hours back at work.

Hmm, so much more to write but not sure where else to go with this blog...

Expect more blogs and more frequent blogs to start appearing.

(and I am sorry that Phlash back Phil is still not up and running, Philip and I are working on it and are hoping to kick off the blog starting in the New Year, THank you for your Patience)

anyways I think I am going to rap this blog up now. Hope you enjoyed this update!

oh and if you are an avid reader (and even if your not) and you would like to add me to msn then feel free! exiledpunk13@hotmail.com.

Happy Melancholy Emo December to you all!

2005-12-30T00:51:00.000-06:00

The Other Way ~ Weezer

I want to help you
But I don't know how
I want to soothe you
But I can't speak out

I have many fears
About rejection
I have many memories
Of pain

I have always been
A little shy

So I'll turn and look
The other way
Other way
Other way

I will turn and look
The other way

I want to hold you
But I am afraid
I want to touch you
But I'm not that way

I have many doubts
About my motives
I have many fears
About my greed

I have always hurt
The one that I love

So I'll turn and look
The other way
Other way
Other way

I will turn and look
The other way

I have many doubts
About my motives
I have many fears
About my greed

I have always hurt
The one that I love

So I'll turn and look
The other way
Other way
Other way

I will turn and look
The other way

Asleep At The Wheel

2005-12-16T15:32:00.000-06:00

I figured that it was about time for me to blog again. It has been awhile. I actually have been kind of avoiding it. Why? I don't know, so much to say yet no words to say them I guess. I am finally done this semester. It is such a relief! I, as always, started the year of great with good marks and a good attitude... I finished them off with... well.. bad marks and a bad attitude. I am so frustrated with myself right now because I just can't seem to put the effort in to school that I need to put in. I mean I do have a bit of an excuse this semester because I was working like a mad fool so that I could pay off debt and pay for rent, but it's still not really an excuse for my lack of commitment to my studies. So here I am in the not so Happy Emo Decemeber left with a whole lot of decisions to make.

My first decision is when I should take my new chair back to the store because the manufacturer is a retard and pre put the screws in with a freaking power drill and then left me to try and take them out with my little screw driver... so now the screws are stripped and I am upset. My other decisions are of a little bit more importance than that though.

I have been contemplating leaving Saskatchewan again. I hate it here. I want to go back to British Columbia and I just might do that if I can get the cash together and my lease worked out. Another option that I have is to move to Manitoba with a friend. I wouldn't mind doing that, I mean, it would a be a new and exciting place to me. I have yet to be to Manitoba. The option that I like the most, but us least plausible, is to just up and leave and travel around Canada and the states. If I had the money for gas I would do it in a heart beat. Screw food or a place to stay I just want to go... anywhere... and wake up in a car... chase away the fog... anyways...

I also need to decide if I am going to go back to school next semester. I want to get my schooling finished so that I can move on in my life but my heart is not in it right now and I am doing pretty crappy anyways... so I don't know what to do.

I don't know what else to right about. That is all the surface stuff that is easy to say.

Filled with apathy... be careful with your words...

An old highschool classmate died last friday (Dec 9). I went to her funeral last tuesday. It was hard and weird. Not that I was super close to her... but just that she is only 12 days older than me. It really shook my up and made me think about alot of stuff. Like what I am doing with my life, where I am, where I should be, who I am, why and the works. yea... it was kind of nice to see my old classmates. Nobody really has changed much, or at least it doesn't seem like. Its been 4 years since I had seen most of them. Wow... I have been out of highschool for 4 years already... holy crap...

This next section is what I really want to say and blog about and tell people. How I feel, How I am really doing... What I really want... * **** *** **** ******* ***** ***** ********* *** *** * *** ***** **** **** **** ***** ****** ***** ****** ** * ***** *** * *** ****** ** ******. * ******** *** *** **** ****** ***** ** *** ******* *** *** *********** *** **** ****** *** ******* ****. **** **** ** * **** *** **** ******* ***** ***** ********* *** *** * *** ***** **** **** **** ***** ****** ***** ****** ** * ***** *** * *** ****** ** ******. * ******** *** *** **** ****** ***** ** *** ******* *** *** *********** *** **** ****** *** ******* **** **** **** *** **** *** **** ******* ***** *****. ********* *** *** * *** ***** **** **** **** ***** ****** ***** ****** ** * ***** *** * *** ****** ** ****** * ******** *** *** **** ****** ***** ** *** *******. *** *** *********** *** **** ****** *** ******* **** **** **** *** **** *** **** ******* ***** ***** ********* *** *** * *** ***** **** **** **** ***** ****** ***** ****** ** * ***** *** * *** ****** ** ****** * ******** *** *** **** ****** *****. ** *** ******* *** *** *********** *** **** ****** *** ******* **** **** **** *** **** *** **** ******* ***** ***** ********* *** *** * *** ***** **** **** **** ***** ****** *****. ****** ** * ***** *** * *** ****** ** ****** * ********. *** *** **** ****** ***** ** *** ******* *** *** *********** *** **** ****** *** ******* **** **** **** **. There I said it all. I feel so much better now.

And a tragic fall from grace
staring at the stars above
one more small good bye
one more kiss
I hope I don't lose my mind
body hollow glasses
a broken chair
thats why
I should have seen this coming
My perfect angel
One more last breath
One more last feeling of life
THis is what it must be
This is what I will never have
but I will
the love I have to share is always there
I will take the blame for this
That is what I do
I should have seen this coming all along
Mixed feelings and drinks
with words and silence
that is said yet lost
in the wind
the shattered peices fall
cutting the pretty peices
but the sun will shine
and the rain will fall
this puzzled look you give me
proves you don't
they never do
my paper heart is ripped in tw0
I should have known
putting words together at random
what will come
your everything I want
don't take away my dreams
its all i have left
if you just
one last time
staggering on
stumbling through
falling down stairs and seeing things not there
don't take this from me
I don't want it.
It feels like 20 below
Its as cold as tomb
Alone in my room...
I'll keep out of your way
The thundering clash of backstabbing
Keeping busy
learning not to feel
these things i feel
They aren't real
forever
I hear you
in the stars above
A tragic fall from grace

I'm pretty sure I'm lost again in the place i know so well... i won't get through...

From the ramblings of a crazy person

Ty

2005-12-06T01:20:00.000-06:00

Onion

The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most

2005-11-30T00:02:00.002-06:00

Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And covered with a perfect shell
Such a charming, beautiful exterior
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect posture, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by
This is one time, this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself
And hidden in the public eye
Such a stellar monument to loneliness
Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes
Perfect make-up, but you're barely scraping by
But you're barely scraping by...
Well this is one time, well this is one time
That you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all...or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most
And you can't fake it hard enough to please everyone
Or anyone at all..or anyone at all
And the grave that you refuse to leave
The refuge that you've built to flee
The places that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you've come to fear the most
It's the place that you have come to fear the most

"The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most" ~ Dashboard Confessional

---------------------------------------------------

I think that may just sum everything up pretty well.

Nothings here for me

2005-11-28T10:34:00.000-06:00

Can you read between the lines?
Have you perfected the art?
Can you hear whats not there?
Can you see what was never meant to be seen?

-------------------------------------------------

I wanna live again
I wanna start everything over again
I wanna get this right
I'll meet you in another life
Over again
I'm coming back around again
Coming back over again
I'm coming back around again, but now it's over
We're out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is put you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me
Out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me
I'm gonna make this work
I'm gonna change everything wrong with me
I'm gonna prove you wrong
when I meet you in another life
Over again
I'm coming back around again
Coming back over again
I'm coming back around again, but now it's over
We're out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me
Out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me
I never had the gift of holding on to you
You're so far, so far away
No I, never had to give up of holding on to you
You're so far, so far away
I wanna live again
I wanna live again
I wanna live again
I wanna start everything over again
I wanna live again
I wanna live again
I wanna live again
I wanna start everything over again
We're out of time and I can't breathe
We're out of time and I can't breathe
We're out of time and I can't breathe
We're out of time and I can't breathe
I told you not to believe in me
'Cause all I do is push you far away from me
All I do is push you far away from me

~ Awkward Last Words - Armor For Sleep
--------------------------------------------------------

Because if you did you would know...
Because if you did you would care...
Because if you did you would be here...
Because if you did you would not take it for granted...

I guess I just have to leave

2005-11-27T21:58:00.000-06:00

Looks like its only you and me now old man.

Don't waste your time on me your already the voice inside my head

2005-11-21T10:25:00.000-06:00

Greetings Blog readers,
I finally have found the time to type a little something up for you. I hope you all appreciate and love my efforts to fullfill your blog reading dreams. I have been so busy lately, it has just been nuts. If I am not at work then I am at school and if I am not at school I am sleeping. Unfortunately I have been doing more sleeping than school. Speaking of which...

HERMITAGE UPDATE (as requested by Andrew)

Pretty crappy. I have managed not to do the hanging out part (and I have not played any video games) but I have not completed many assignements. I have three late assignments and the time is closing in on me. I am hoping that this coming week I can finish them.

And thats the update...

December is on its way... for those of you who knows what that means...

I strongly dislike the problem of money. Specifically the problem of not having any. There are so many things I would like to do but I am limited by paper, coins, or plastic. It sucks. But what can you do. You would think that with the amount of time I have put in at work that I would have some money to spend but no it goes to pay off debts. However, that is a good thing because I do not want to be in debt and have it hinder things in my life as it has before... for those of you who know what that means.

Well that is it for now. I have some things I need tp accomplish before I go to work. Hope you enjoyed this little update and I hope that I will soon find the time to write an interesting and proper blog...

A short time becomes a long time when you won't just let it go...

2005-11-16T11:53:00.001-06:00

...

It has been a long time since I have last posted. I noticed the chant for another post and I was warmed inside that there a few people out there that love me, or at least like my blog. I have been so busy lately. It has just been insane. I am grabbing a few minutes right now to right this post. After that I am off to a meeting and then off to work. I always feel so tired. Even if I sleep through my classes I am still tired... Oh well. I have decided to embark on a voyage that Andrew has coined 'hermitage'. This 'hermitage' is in an effort to save my marks. I don't really have the time to explain it right now but it is working. I got one assignment done and tonight I hope to get another one done. So yeah thats awesome. Oh and I now have two kittens. They are cute... umm k I need to run... this post really sucked... you guys all hyped it up and now it is complete crap... my next will be better... I hope.

I will hold your hand into the dark...

2005-10-26T00:53:00.000-06:00

I quit. I am sick and I am tired of... well... of everything. I don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to do any of this anymore. So here I go. I am leaving this world behind. I no longer will exist.

(The story that had followed has been removed by the administrator of this blog. It is in its second draft now and is possibly available upon request.)

I want to live where Soul meets Body...

2005-10-22T19:39:00.000-06:00

The alarm goes off. This is the third time it has gone off this morning. It is noon and I have to work at 1:30. Phil is still sleeping as I finally crawl out of bed and make my way upstairs. I get into the shower and crank the hot water. I just stand there letting the warmth cover my body. I can feel it already. I thought yesterday was bad enough but today is worse. I feel an emoday coming. I feel so sad and depressed for no real apparant reason at all. I don't feel like going to work. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like doing anything. I lay down and just let the water encompass me. I lay in there until the water turns cold. I climb out and shave. Slowly brush my teeth. Comb my hair and put my glasses on. It is almost 1:00 as I head downstairs and get dressed for work. I'm not hungry but I feel that I should still eat something before work. I cook up some eggs and toast and sit in silence. Off to work I go. I get there and am stuck doing out of stock and moving displays. I help customers and mindlessly do my tasks. I have to stay an extra hour because the floor waxers are coming and I need to move everything so the can wax. But alas they don't show up and I have to put everything back plus come in 2 hours early on Sunday. Crap for crap. O well. At least I enjoy my job. I sit at home and drink my pepsi and type this. I look around and see a lack off color. Everything is grey. My hands are cold with no one to hold them. I wait for you to come home. Listen to my emo music. Sitting in sulky sad uncontented contentment. Where are you? Who are you? I miss you...

"I wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time..." ~ Marching Bands of Manhatten - Death Cab for Cutie

Why be Happy when you can be Sad?

2005-10-21T13:26:00.000-06:00

Midterms are over but the stress is justing starting for me. I have quite a few big assignments due next week that I haven't even started on. Why have I not started on them you may ask. Well the answer to that is I am a slacker... also known as a procrastinist. My problem is not procrastination though. I have another trait that hinders me. It does not go well with being a procrastinist. It becomes very contradictory and frustrating. Why? Well because I am also a perfectionist. If I can't do it 100% I don't want to do it at all. Which triggers the lack of motivation in the procratinist part of me causing me to quit or not care. This has posed some pretty huge set backs to me. It gets really frustrating. It effects all aspects of my life.

I love my job. But I am tired of working.
I love my classes. But am tired of learning.
I love my life. But am tired of living.

"...Lifes been killing me ever since it begun, you can't blame me because I'm too young." Cookie Jar ~ Jack Johnson

Wow. Smoke and mirrors. Tricks and turns. Start there, end here. That was a jump. Too many thoughts.

Fun and games are over...

2005-10-15T05:29:00.000-06:00

Ok.
Getting very sick and tired of this.
Very, very frustrated.

Fun and games are over. I will only put up with so much and now this is getting rediculous. I have had enough Shancelle. You stop talking to me because we disaggree on something, something as small as posters, and then it moves on from that to something that you won't even tell me. What can I do? Nothing. You won't talk to me and tell me what the problem is so how can I fix it? After weeks of not responding to me you finally respond with "It will never end" (reffering to the not talking to me) Why? What is going on? What is the under laying issue here? I call you, I text you, I message you... Why? Because I care about our friendship. You still won't talk. What am I suppose to do here? From what I understand is that our friendship is over. This does not make sense to me. Why? Why? and Why again. What did I do? is there misscomunication from earlier... when there was communication? I don't know... I just don't know... I am frustrated, hurt and confused. I suppose this will even make you angrier... but I need to record that I care... I really do...

Is this causing me scarring?

2005-10-12T00:26:00.000-06:00

The pain that buckles out your knees

Life. Life is really going really well right now. Actually life is really awesome right now. Maybe that is why I have not been blogging as often as ussual. On the surface everything is fine, actually on the surface things are more than fine. It is on the inside that isn't fine. I don't feel fine. I pine, I whine, I think, I act. The things I want to be awesome and be fine are not fine, but rather far from.

Pressures are really weighing me down. I have a lot of pressures on me. A lot of thoughts that are also pulling on me. A lot of things.

Right now I would like some friends. I mean I have a lot of "friends" and I love them. It is just that not many people are really close to me. Everyone that I use to talk to about my thoughts are all a couple provinces away or have just drifted away. I have a couple that are closer than others but one of them isn't even talking to me. Some just don't understand me. Do you know what I mean? I have lots of friends and they are great but those firends that are really close to you, that just know what you are thinking. Do any of you have friends like that? I know I used to. ( -------------------------------------------------------------------------------fill this in with what I am thinking right now-----------------------------------------------------------------)

I was going to right alot more but I think I am going to just end it there...

When I look into your eyes...

2005-10-06T12:27:00.000-06:00

Waiting. Wishing. Dreaming. Drifting. This post will be the make up post for the post I lost the other day. Well Here I am. In my Emo house, down in my Emo room, listening to my emo music, writing in my emo blog. Things have been going pretty well for me lately. School is awesome, my new job is awesome, my new house is awesome. In general things are going pretty awesome. However I am still emo. Still cold. Still Lonely. Stilly waiting. Still wishing. Still dreaming. Still drifting. I have been very nostalgic lately. Thinking about the "good ol'days" of the caravelle and the cruising and the late nights and youth group. Those days seem so fun and carefree now. Even though we were bored out of our minds at least all of us were friends and hung out. Now life doesn't seem that simple, none of us seem to hang out anymore. This leads me to the thought o fB.C. I miss it there so much. I do like Saskatoon because of its familiarity to me but other than that I really have no attachment here anymore. I felt so much more at home in B.C. I loved it. Thinking about B.C. also makes me think about my friends from there. They don't really talk to me anymore, which could be for reasons of my own doing but I am not sure... None the less I miss Summit and B.C. I had a really good year there... for the most part. Part of me wishes I was back there but at the same time I love it here at CPC. I am having a good year here also. blah. So many thoughts running through my head. So many things going unsaid. Meh. Not much I can do I guess, other than be nostalgic. I really miss Amos and Mike and our tea and our drives in search of Ontario and Manitoba. The guys who seemed to hate it there in B.C. are the ones that are back there while I am here.

This blog has kind of shifted to the whole thought of friends. It seems as we get older friendships and the way we deal with them change so much. I mean when I was young I always had to talk on the phone with my friends at least every second day if not more. They would call me and I would call them and we would hang out as much as we could. Now that I am older things aren't like that. I talk to my close friends quite rarely and even get to hang out with them less. When I was younger it felt that if i didn't talk to my friends they would cease to be my friends but now there are times I don't talk to some of my close friends for months but when we do talk it is like we were never apart. This is good and all but sometimes I miss always having friends there to call whenever. To do stuff whenever. Now we have to work around schedules and locations. It's frustrating sometimes.

How do little things come up between friends that make them fight? The stupidest things. Althought friendships have changed and 'matured' as I have gotten older they still have childish elements. Such has hanging up on. Not answering the phone or stopping talking too. Cheap threats like "I'm just going to return your Christmas present then". I mean what is this? Sounds like grade two when people would say "Your not alowed to come to my birthday anymore!" Sometimes adults seem like large children under the dilussion of maturity. Alot of people who consider themselves very mature persons act in the most childish and foolish of ways.

I really should be doing my report. I only have 2 pages left and it is due tonight. It shouldn't take me long but I am procrastinating it. Blah.

I went on an emo drive the other day. Drove down this residential street with alot of trees and the leaves were falling, and the smell of pie was in the air and it just looked so emo. Especially while listening to this one emo song by armour for sleep. It had a line about the trees waving back at me. Yea it was an intense emo drive. But that is also is the explanation why my msn name is autumn leaves and apple pie. Now you know the rest of the story.

I stretched my ears the other day. I stretched them to zero like I used to have them. I think I might go to double zero but I am not sure.

Well I really should finish my report. I don't want to and I am bored. blah

If you (being people I know) don't have my new number at my new place you can email me and I will give it to you. You all should know my email but it is exiledpunk13@hotmail.com. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I am quite impressed that you pressed on through to the end. Congradulations you get a cookie! Maybe. Wow. Emo music, emo room, emo mood... I'm so emo even my hair hurts... Time for me to go and cry now... I miss you. Emoboy out.

Very upset

2005-10-04T09:35:00.000-06:00

ok so I typed this huge long post and then it just dissapeared. Poof. Gone. So I guess it is just another short post. That makes me mad! I had a good long rant going! gah!

Still nothing

2005-09-30T00:51:00.000-06:00

It's been over a week... still nothing... blank

Busy

2005-09-22T23:13:00.000-06:00

I am pretty busy. I think I may have a job! I don't know yet. I am tired. (I think) I have a good post brewing but it will come later. Goodnight!

Now you have gone and done it...

2005-09-20T03:41:00.000-06:00

Ok, before I go off on my little rant I would like to thank you spamming imbeciles who splattered my blog with your neo-nazis bull shit for pushing me into posting a worthwhile post. Now onto what this is really about. I am sick and tired of all of you idiots out there who spam blogs or emails or mailboxes or whatever have you, with things like "check out my vase collection online" or "send $20 to this address to recieve your earn money fast start up kit" Do you not realize that I DON'T CARE! I don't care if your passion is coins, or adware remover, or your home based business that is run out of your bassment and only appeals to similar minds as your self... SUCH AS COMPLETE MORONS! Why would my blog make you think that I am interested in any of this crap!? Stop trying to get more hits on your site or expand your friend network because if all you have to say is "Duh great blog me like. Now you check me site now." then I want nothing to do with you. If you genuinly like my site then by all means leave a post but the comment area already links me to your blog so if I want to check out your blog then I will ok? Don't you people have better things to do? Next thing that irriates me, possibly even more than the spamming idiots, are the people who actually do check out a site about coins or stamps or underwear. Why did you go and look at their site? because you were told to? I mean what kind of mindless dribble do you deal with in your life that going to a blog that talks about tupperware excites you? Come on people, they spam because they get hits they get hits because you are more stupid then they are! Don't give in! Don't let your life be run by small time product pushers... or corporate pushers for that matter. Use your brain! This leads me to people who are psuedo-intellectuals and pride themselves on being able to point out your spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. I know you think you are smart and you feel good using big words and correcting others but you dam well better know what the words mean. You may have trained your brain to see errors in others but you still can not think for yourself. FREE YOUR MIND think about the meanings behind the words and statements. Dont get so caught up in the fact that the punctuation is wrong... look for the point... think about it... Einstien couldn't even tie a shoe and I am not concerned with proper grammer. While I am making mistakes in my grammer you are making mistakes in your life. Like sleeping with that person from the bar that looks like they were the origin of the HIV. Maybe your problem is alienating your friends and making them feel like trash. I don't know about you but I would sooner speell a word wrong or misuse punctuation rather than be an idiot without common sense... So in conclusion don't correct me on my grammer you are an idiot, do not spam my blog because you are an idiot, and most of all do not support the people spamming and most definately do not put up with small minded people who have nothing better to do than criticize your spelling while being unable to hold down a job... they are idiots...

yes I do feel better
I think this would have made more sense if I had not typed it up so late...
need sleep

Empty

2005-09-19T16:59:00.000-06:00

I should be doing homework right now. There are some things I should get done. Unfortunately I am not in a working mood. I am in a sleeping mood. I don't feel like doing anything at all right now. Including this. So I think I am going to stop. Blah... Thoughts in my head... go away... What if... please... blah

To Err is Human

2005-09-13T00:09:00.000-06:00

We strive. Strive for perfection. Strive for more. Strive for love. Why is it so? What do we gain? Do these things we strive for improve our lives? In the short term the obvious answer is yes. Love, perfection, and the pursuit of material possesions make us happy and improve our lives. Really? Love hurts, we have all been hurt by love, I think it may be inevitable to escape the pain that love causes. Stuff? Stuff is stressful. The more stuff you have the more you have to worry about. Theft, damage, out of date. You need things like insurance. You need to worry about repairs and warranties. Then there is the cost of just keeping things running. Electricity, Gas, Maintainence. And now Perfection. We can't be perfect people but yet we try, always trying to better and improve onesself. If we don't live up to the standards we set or others set then we deal with depression and angst and worry. Are we as good or smart as the next person? Are we as attractive or active? Talented? All of these things bring worry into our lives. Uneeded and Unwanted stress, However, these are the things that we seek everyday. Maybe instead of seeking to be perfect we need to seek the Perfect. Maybe instead of more things for ourselves we should worry about the ones who have nothing. Maybe instead of striving for love we should strive to love. Maybe we need to forget who and what we want and just be who and what we are. Strip away technology, strip away buildings, strip away attitudes. Lets get to the core. We can't. We don't like who we are without our things, our love, our perfection. We also can't face who we are with them... but it is an easier illusion to face. To numb ourselves into complacency. To forget what we really are here for. To change our responsibility. But it is human to err. We prove that everyday. We hate but yet we would have it no other way. To be human is now an excuse.

Maybe I 'm wrong, I mean, I am only human...

That's just a Euphemism

2005-09-12T00:21:00.000-06:00

Here I am. I am here. Am I unaffected by the winter winds? Or is my soul cold? The dry icy desert that I am trudging through is so lonely. I scream and I yell but nothing leaves my blue lips. I throw my hands in the air almost in defeat but I can't fail, I must fight on. Giving up would be to give up one second too soon. Or do I fight harder to hide that I am really giving up? The winds swirl arund me like a gail of immense proportions. I am buffeted from all sides. Questions arise from questions while answers seem to lurk just out of reach. The sun is out but I miss the rain. The sun causes a glare that blinds me, slows me, makes me realize. Realize what? That I fail? That I am nothing? Everyone is nothing yet something. Something to someone. Yet nothing to everyone. Do you follow? Do you follow the derailed mess? Are you cold? I feel rather warm in this frozen barrens. Content yet so unsatisfied. Must keep trekking on. I don't feel carried. I saw a patch of green today. Hope is in the air. False hope? Does everything spiral into failed attempts? Try and try again. Is it better to be naive and optimistic? Or is it better to be cynical and critical. Good can come from both when channeled properly can it not? If we were not cynical and critical then how would we improve and become better? If we focus on the good but not the bad then the bad sneeks up and destroys us, however if we focus on just the bad we become bitter and worn and consumed by that which we were originally trying to combat. We must rejoice in the good while awknowledging the bad or wrong. Many would like to think of only the happy and good. Put things off, deal with them later. I however take the bad headon. Point out the faults. Learning constructive criticism is the hardest part. Helping not hindering. Leading and guiding not brow beating and condemning. It is much easer to do the latter. Forming, being shaped, coming into the full masterpeice. Counter-balance. Ying to the Yang. Conservative and Liberal. The answer is in the balance. Not candy coating... but in the balance. Maybe you follow, maybe you don't. Questions... ask, answers... give. Interact, seek, never stop seeking.

2005-09-09T00:23:00.000-06:00

I AM WATCHING YOU

Word of the Week

2005-09-07T06:31:00.000-06:00

but you must pronounce it HOE-LEE
draw it out too... Hooolyyy as some people would type it... even though that doesn't really make sense... silly people.

HOLY

The Word of the (Yester) Day Was...

2005-09-05T21:45:00.000-06:00

HOLY

2005-09-04T09:53:00.000-06:00

Hectic

2005-09-02T23:07:00.000-06:00

Wow. What a crazy last couple of days. My head hurts. I have been moving ever since the thirty first. I packed everything up on the 31st and then into my new place a couple hours later. I had 3 hours of sleep. It was insane. I was originally supposed to move in here on the first but I called my site manager and she let me move in a day early. I was so thankful because I had no idea what I was going to do with my stuff overnight, let alone where I was going to sleep!

On the first I helped phil move all of his stuff over and then we started painting. We spent all of the first painting and most of the 2nd painting as well. Now we are working on setting everything up. Phil has most of his stuff set up, but I need to wait until Sunday because that is when my parents will be bringing me a smaller bed. You see, my queen size bed does not fit in down into my room. Ok well the mattress fits down here but the box spring does not. That is the first part of my dilemma. The second part is that if I were to keep the mattress then I would have to sacrifice a desk. So yea, anyways... I need sleep.

Got a perfect set of blueprints. I'm going to build somebody else.

2005-08-31T05:39:00.000-06:00

I hate moving. Well I hate moving out. I hate packing everything up and I hate moving everything over. Especiailly when I have procrastinated everything and now only have 6 hours in which to complete the pack and the clean. Irritating. Actaully I am not doing to bad. I already have most of my stuff packed and ready to go, the problem is that I have no where to put it. I have to be out of here but I can't move into my new place until after 12:30 on the first. Blah. There is one thing that I am anticipating and that is once I am in the new place. This is the part of moving that I like. I like taking everything out and organizing it. Setting up my room will be fantastic. I can't wait. However, I need to get through this packing and cleaning first. I have only gotten 4 hours of sleep. I am going to be so tired. I don't even know where I am going to be sleeping tonight! Meh whatever.
There are alot of things that I need to do today. Alot to get done. I like being busy. Not overloaded but just busy. Anyway, I should get back to the task at hand.

Frank Miller's SinCity

2005-08-30T02:55:00.000-06:00

(First Scene)

She shivers in the wind like the last leaf on a dieing tree.
I let her hear my footsteps.
She only goes stiff for a moment.
"Care for a smoke?"
"Sure, I'll take one. Are you as bored by that crowd as I am?"
"I didn't come here for the party. I came here for you. I've watched you for days. You're everything a man could ever want. It's not just your face, or your... figure, or your voice. It's your eyes, all the things that I see in your eyes."
"What is it you see in my eyes?"
"I see a [scared girl who is] sick of running. Your ready to face what you have to face but you don't want to face it alone."
"No, I don't want to face it alone."
The wind rises electric.
She's soft and warm and almost weightless.
Her perfume is sweet promise that brings tears to my eyes.
I tell her that everything will be allright.
That I will save her from whatever she is scared of and take her far far away.
I tell her... I love her.
The silencer makes a whisper of the gunshot.
I hold her close until she's gone.
I'll never know what she was running from.
I'll cash her cheque in the morning.

_________________

I have even more to say today. But silence slices through my soul like a knife to my wrist. My thoughts drown me slowly as they drip all over my body. I spent the night in a graveyard. The dead are what saved me. They were all I had. Later a friend called and showed up at my house, I appreciated it, sort of. My conscience sears me like the smoke in my lungs. I love, I hate that I love. We are all done here.

Bang your head against the wall for good luck

2005-08-28T22:42:00.000-06:00

I wanted to write. I wanted to just start and never stop. Spill everything on a blank page. I'm stuck inside my head though. I can't get out. I keep screamin but no sound is emitted from my mouth. I am so depressed yet so happy at the same time. I love myself but yet hate who I have become. I feel that all the friendships I have here are shallow. I miss the deep friendships. I have been hanging out will Phil alot lately and it has been enjoyable, I choose my words carefully.

Amos and Faith came through here on Saturday. I got to hang out with them for a little while. It was so fantastic to see them again. Absolutely wonderful. One of my friends stopped talking to me last week. Still not sure why. I can't wait for this week to be over. To be in my new place and to be in school. I have so much I need to get done this week. I am not looking forward to it. I am so bored right now. I want to be out doing something, but I am not. Instead I am sitting at home again doing nothing. I guess I shouldn't complain. I have been out alot lately. Why am I so depressed right now? I mean I love my life right now... Things are great... well a different great than I used to mean. Maybe thats the issue... Tony Knight is taking over. It is all a process. Things will all work out, I just hope it is soon... before it is too late.

Flush

2005-08-26T03:03:00.000-06:00

Spinning
Round and Round
Down and Down I go
I don't even try to stop
I just let it all go
Let myself go
I watch it all happen
Hoping I will stop myself
No one else will
No one else is there
No one to help me
Only to judge
Alone and Dizzy
I need out of the ditch
At least the road is in reach
For now
Are you there to help me?

Fight Club

2005-08-25T12:43:00.000-06:00

I am Jacks morning breath...

I slowly open my eyes and roll over. They feel heavy and are fighting to stay closed but I force them open one at a time. I am back home in my bed, finally. I lay in my bed motionless for what feels like an hour. I notice an interesting pattern on the ceiling and then my mind wanders. I start thinking about who I was, who I am, and who I am going to be. I then drift over to my friends and think about who they were, who they are, and who they are going to be. I sit up on the edge of the bed and cup my head in my hands. My mouth feels so gross. I need to brush my teeth real bad. I slowly rise to my feet and move towards the bathroom. As I reach the door I look down and I see my shadowy friend. I haven't wrestled with him recently. Actually we have been hanging out alot and getting along lately. His name is Tony Knight. He is my Tyler Durden.

Silence

2005-08-22T04:08:00.000-06:00

Silence fills me

It's not me it's you...

2005-08-21T03:31:00.000-06:00

Hellman by Millencolin

No matter what I feel for you
Those three words I can’t sayI regret the times I used the word ok
I know how much it means when people show they really care
Of the value in honesty I’m quite aware
But still there’s much in my that I don’t share

Don’t have the guts to say what I think
I’m too scared, to say what I think of you

The other way around, I’d sayI function the same way
The darker sides of me I underplay
Affraid to get into conflicts
Affraid to tell you no
Though I know this weekness keeps me low
There’s so much inside me that I don’t show

Something I can never show
Why I don’t know...

Don’t have the guts to say what I think
I’m too scared, to say what I think of you
I’m too scared of what I really think of you

Quagmire

2005-08-21T02:24:00.000-06:00

Sinking...
Ideals Lost in the shifting ground...
How am I supposed to feel
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run
Perfect images shattered at my feet
Hopeless Romantic...
Lost love
Love lost
Humanity pulls off the mask I make for it
Yet wonder why I become so cyncical
Haunting...
Lost all alone
Undone
Come undone
Unravelled on the floor
Shallow
People/Breathing
Lost it oh so long ago...
I saw this coming long before...
hmm
Black
I am just writing without real thought... just pen to paper style... write the words in my head... I don't know what it is... or what it is supposed to be.... but there it is... take it for what it is worth

PULL THE TRIGGER AND THE NIGHTMARE STOPS

You asked....

2005-08-21T00:55:00.000-06:00

but I didn't answer.

Why didn't I answer?! You asked me how I deal with things that bother me. I neglected answering. I negelected answering because something is bothering me and when you asked me that, I thought about how I am handling it now. The way I am handling it is bottling it up. Letting it eat at me while you talk. I know I should say something, but I don't. I just fall inline... say what I should... say what you want to hear. Occasionally I step out and say something... but then we argue and I just give up because I know if we keep going I will have to fix it later. There are alot of things I want to say but I never do. You would get mad and maybe we would never talk again... and so, for some reason, I am happier by letting myself die so that we may live. I'm only happy when it rains.

_____________________

I’m only happy when it rains ~ Originally by Garbage (I listen to Richard Cheeses' version)

I’m only happy when it rains
I’m only happy when it’s complicated
And though I know you can’t appreciate it
I’m only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
Why it feels so good to feel so sad
I’m only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I’m only happy when it rains
I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn’t accidentally tell you that
I’m only happy when it rains
You’ll get the message by the time I’m through
When I complain about me and you
I’m only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down...pour
You can keep me companyAs long as you don’t care
I’m only happy when it rains
You want to hear about my new obsession
I’m riding high upon a deep depression
I’m only happy when it rains...pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains....pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains...pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains...pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains...pour some misery down on me...
pour some misery down on me...
pour some misery down on me...
pour some misery down on me

_______________

I wish I had wrote that.......
but I didn't...

My poor brain is going to pop...

2005-08-20T01:56:00.000-06:00

I do not feel appreciated.

Fitful sleep, Fit of Rage... give me back my face!

2005-08-19T03:09:00.000-06:00

It's like 3:00 in the morning! I wake up to somone breathing on my neck... half asleep I begin to role over to see who it is... but instead of being greeted by a kiss I am greeted by two very strong hands close around by throat! I try to yell but the air is squeezed from my throat in more of a hiss than anything else. All I see is the same shadowy figure that I was haunted by earlier. The same shadow that has stolen my face! Angry about the face stealing that has occured I start to throw my fists around and thrash violently. The grip loosens on my neck until finally there is a release, but now I recieve a wholloping blow to my nose. I throw a left and then a right at my assailant. They connect firmly to his solar plexis. Winded he doubles over and I push him onto the floor. I start kicking him... I pick up my chair and slam it down hard onto his torso all the while screaming "Give me back my _______ face, you _____!!" (Fill the blank with your favorite words... such as 'beautiful' and 'jerk'... they work...) I start to feel bad for all the violence... I sit back on my bed and sigh "Can't we get along in peace?" The shadow slowly crawls toward the door. "Can I at least have my face back?" The shadow spits his shadow spit on the floor (which is rather hard to clean up!) and dissappears into the dark hallway. I am to tired to follow. I rub my sore nose, I didn't want violence... I am not a violent person. All I wanted was a fitful sleep where I don't get attacked.... oh and maybe my face back... that would be nice...

T.V. night was lonely without you... and so am I...

2005-08-19T00:54:00.000-06:00

I am just sitting here listening to Dashboard Confessional. Today has been a good day. The last day of work went by smoothly. There was a show at the bassment that I had wanted to go to but I really needed some quality time alone. So I stayed home and watched a movie and ate some pizza. I just spent the evening relaxing and now I think I am going to go to bed soon. Tomorrow I am planning on getting alot of stuff done that I really need to finish. It will be good. I hope I have friends that contact me so that I have something to do on friday night... hint hint... first come first serve... I think I am going to go to sleep...

In a hail of bullets

2005-08-18T14:13:00.000-06:00

BANG! BANG! BANG! BZZZZ! BZZZ! WHIR!!! blink blink...

I don't want to open my eyes.
As long as my eyes are closed I do not have to face the real world.
I can stay inside my own reality. I lay there in my bed waiting and thinking. I hope that I may fall back asleep. No such luck. The electrician downstairs continues banging and drilling and I continue wishing for silence and sleep. Finally I realize I will have to open my eyes at some point, so I slowly make my way from my bed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Soon I am back in my bed hoping for the silence, the sleep, and the false reality that I so desire right now. I toss and turn. I lay still. I think. I again drag myself from my bed. Once again it is for water but this time it is a shower. I turn the water on and just watch it fall. Water is such a beautiful thing. I step inside and recoil from the freezing cold. Right, I want warm. After the needed adjustments and the events of cleansing oneself in the morning routine is over (brushing teeth also included in this) I wander back to my room and decide to type on my computer. I don't really have alot to say. I would type my thoughts but people do not understand. Miscommunication. I wish people could understand, not twist and assume what I am saying... it causes too many problems that I am tired of repairing. I wish I had someone to understand and listen to me. Today is my last day of work. I am finished at 8. I want to do something with people but yet I almost just want to stay home alone. I wish someone would surprise me... with something. As I sit here typing my mind begins to drift away. Suddenly my bedroom door flys open. Startled, I turn around to see a black figure at my door. He is holding a shining silver blade! I quickly scan the room for something to protect myself with. The dark figure lunges at me and I hit him with my fan. The blade drops and both of us jump to where it lays. I am closest but the figure is on my back. It starts to punch me. I flail around and manage to throw it off. It hits my desk and my monitor falls on it. I spring onto the dark, shadowy figure and start punching it repeatedly in the face... I don't stop... I just keep going. Finally it is motionless. I look at it and I finally see its face. The face that I see is mine! I stumble back in shock. Confusion overwhelms me. Before I have time to think anymore I am attacked from behind. How did it get behind me? It was... was.. right there! I throw the assailant over my shoulders and run to my bed. I chuck the mattress off and grab my dual magnums. I see the shadow run for the stairs. I let off a burst of ammunition and begin to chase it. As I round the corner I hear a loud BANG and chhh chik... where did it get a shotgun. I let off a few more shots and leap into the laundry room. Bullets rain around me like a monsoon. Silence. I wait. Nothing. I poke my head out of the door and there is nothing. Where did he go? I stealthly move from the laundry room out into the dining area. I still don't see anything. BANG chhh chik... the kitchen...crap... I leap over the couch sending a barage of bullets in the direction of the last shot. I lay on the other side of the couch, my mind racing. I pop up and release some cover fire so that I can look at the clock. Just after 2:00! I need to go to work right away! BANG chhh chik! My goodness... this is brutal. I have had enough. I stand to my feet and fill the walls with lead. I just shoot. Bullets are flying everywhere... I can hear the bang of the shotgun. The air is hot and stale. CLICK. Empty. No more bullets left. Silence. I hear a door close. I reload my magnums and put them in my belt. I am safe again... for now... from myself. I am my own worst enemy.

Time for work.

Yesterday Feelings

2005-08-18T00:48:00.000-06:00

"Yesterday Feelings" The Used

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like the sun spots or raindrops
Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
'Cause feelings mean nothing now
All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind (yeah today is on my mind)
Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart
Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where feelings mean nothing now
All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time (all be lost in time)
But today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
for today is on my mindyeah today is on my mind
Now I can't care to worryI'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart

I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been but I know where I want to go.

2005-08-17T02:40:00.000-06:00

Bright Eyes.
Ok so I haven't posted since Saturday morning and I am sure that my loyal fans that read my blog every single day are wondering "Whats wrong!? Whats going on!? Is he ok?!" Well I am now here to answer these questions and update you. Nothing is wrong. Lots has gone on. And... am I ever ok? ok well thats it... talk to you later...

Just Kidding... read on silly
Ha silly, what a word... its a funny word... funnier when guys say it... silly... silly... silly... ha... I love me. Anyways, I got my nose peirced on saturday... I just needed peircings or tattoos and seeing as peircings are cheaper... so yeah... spur of the moment thing... I love getting peirced. That was in the afternoon. In the evening I went out to Vanessa's thing... it was good... I really enjoyed it. I got lost though... lost in my thoughts... we were out by the fire at this time... after seeing the animals and what not... Vanessa was playing guitar and singing and it was wonderful... I really do think she is very talented. Anyways I first drifted off listening to the music and I started get lost by drifting away... for real... I like floated above everyone and watched from the sky... watched the fire and the people and did what I do best... which is watch.. yes I know... creepy. but anyways as I was floating above everyone and watching I looked around to see the pretty stars but they weren't out... it was too cloudy. I kept drifting until suddenly I was in a hall way... I was walking down this hallway that just would not end. As I walked I saw names of people I had known... who I did know and doors with names that I couldn't read. I saw names like Daryl, who I had went to school with, and I saw Robin's name, and Adams, and Virginias, and J-D's and Logans, and Shancelle and Phil and so many more. Some doors were closed and some were open... I had a key in my hand. I just kept on walking and walking and walking and I saw Carissa's door and I just stood there... memories flashed through my head of alot of things... and I thought of alot of things... sorted out alot of things... and rethought things I had sorted out before. I tried the door but it was locked... I didn't bother opening it but kept on walking. I was now in an area where there were no names on the doors. Suddenly everything crumbled away and I was on fire... but it didn't burn... actually it felt good... I then looked from the fire at myself standing there.... and I watched myself... I searched myself... I know who I am but I am getting to know who I want to be and who God wants me to be... and that was what I did as I watched myself stand there... I then snapped back into my head and the conversation and the people... I soon drifted off again and this time I was on a boat... I was rowing around... all alone... it was dark... so very dark... suddenly there was someone in the boat and I was happy and not alone... but they jumped out.... I was sad and cold and dark for a long time... then there was someone else but this time I jumped out and when I climbed back in they were gone... then I saw someone swimming and I pulled them into the boat and we were happy and things were bright... then I blinked and they were gone... I looked every where for anyone but there was no one... slowly I saw someone and they were glowing but I snapped out of my thoughts and I was soon back standing with everyone... I continued thinking about alot of stuff, mostly of myself but some about friends... I realized Vanessa wasn't playing anymore... and I started thinking about the songs that she had played... then I sat down... but it was time to leave.

Sunday I went to church... it was good... afternoon I ate with parents... it was also good... late afternoon and evening were at the ex with phil and his mom and my wonderful friends... it was mostly good... although I was in a bad mood around the fire works time... tired... frustrated and irritated.... I was in a better mood after that thought when the one man band played sugarhill gang and then I went on rides with Phil, MJ, Delia, and the wonderful me. I got to talk to Delia quite a bit and get to know her better, she is a very cool person... actually all of the people I have met has been really awesome... I don't really know MJ or Rebbecca... I think that was her name... to many names.... but from what I know of them they are pretty awesome too... YOU ARE ALL AWESOME!!!!! YES ALL OF YOU!! GREAT!! I AM GLAD I MET YOU>>> that was your shout out... I really did shout it... did you hear me? but ya... and then I thought about me somemore... not that everything is about me... but who I want to become and who I need and should be... who God wants me to be.... I thought about reverance to God and knowing him as king and not just as friend and then I thought about really knowing him in all aspects... and then I thought about how little I am in the scheme of things and what he really has planned for me.... then umm the lost keys happened at this time... and then the shancelle call then a late night... and then some sleep and then work and then I ended up going and playing cards with the girls. It was good times... I was originally in a really bad mood but it picked up alot as the night went on... it was great... I had lots of fun... everyone is leaving though and although I don't know them that well I am sad because I have had lots of good times with them already. So yeah today I went to a movie with phil that we didn't get to finish because the movie broke... so we ended up just chatting... yeah... that was my last couple of days summed up. Actually summed up in a very fast, short, probably confusing way. Oh I had work mixed in there too... and work has been ok... oh and some prep for school... and alot of neglecting and procrastinating things that I NEED to do... such as get another job! hmm.. yeah... I have done alot of thinking about thoughts tonight too.. its been good... and bad... and weird... I love me and my head... I also love Weezer... Rivers is awesome... speaking of Weezer... I once again miss Amos... I miss him as a roomate... our chats... blah... anyways... I missed alot of things that happened this weekend too.... like more thoughts.... and day dreams and what not... but I ussually don't talk about those anyways... they are... well complicated and people just sometimes don't understand... Misunderstood... yeah... and then there is the question of if I am good enough for that then why not me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? do I smell funny? Not that I necesarily want it to be me... but the question still remains... and ... why? why do I do this? why do I try? I dunno... I think I will retreat into my head for a while now and then go to bed... it is getting late... again... I don't think I have been asleep before 4 in the morning ever since friday... blah... i hate going to sleep but I love sleeping... I am getting really tired... ok well I think that this is enough for now... it is all I can think of to write about... no thats not true... but I am not making sense... actually i don't know if any of this made sense...

Anyways... there I go again... saying anyways...

Girls like that don't like guys like me they like guys with punk rock pants...OH! bands punk rock bands... not pants.... I understand... I had it wrong all along... (that was a memory from a conversation with J-D two weeks ago or so... it was great.... sorry)

Well I should say goodnight or goodday or good morning or whatever it is for whoever you are whenever you read this... thank you for taking the time to read the steaming heap of crazy word barf... buh bye and catch you on the flip side...

Everyone is my friend... except for you... actually... especially you! you have a cute smile... your so sweet... here have a block of cheese...

ok sleep now

Your Heart is Cold... and so are my feet

2005-08-13T10:45:00.000-06:00

I am tired.
I have a headache.
I am drinking pepsi and listening to emo music and I just had a big emo talk with an emo friend about girls and emo stuff. I am grumpy because my landlord just walked into our place while we were sleeping... he was showing it to random people... there was no notice nothing... well unless you call the phone call that was like 5 mins before he showed up notice... but we were sleeping so we didn't get it. What he did is illegal. I am sitting here and thinking about my emo life... or lack there of. I am freezing right now! Like seriously it is soo cold right now... how am I ever going to survive this saskatchewan winter! I miss B.C. I liked being emo in B.C. with the rain and the warmth and the mountains and the moss and the beautiful everything that is B.C. I just had a life... or a resemblance of one but I lost it again... I sank back into my non existence... frustation... confused... depressed thing I used to.. and now once again... call a life. Why does everything I want slip through my grasp? Leave me? Disappear? and why can't I spell? I am heaven sent. Don't you dare forget. I am all you've ever wanted. What the other boys all promised. wish I knew...

Today should be good. It should be fun. I am once again draggin myself out of my safe room... to hang out with Shancelle and Vanessa and ... well I am not sure who else for sure... I am assuming Delia and Mary-Joy and maybe the Michelle girl I met the other night... and well I don't know who else.

I can't wait till I move into my new place. I can't wait until college starts again... I can't wait until... I can't wait until... I can't wait until and I also can not wait until....

I just want to believe.
My feet are cold.
Just like the world... the cold cold harsh world that we live in. Every chance to leave is another chance I should have took... can we seriously start our band now man? like for real... lets wright songs about our emo selves and our not leaving our rooms and our friends that we don't have and how cruel girls are but yet how amazingly wonderful they are... lets fill our heads with contradictions and prescriptions. We can do it. Why do I let myself ramble like this? with these pointless thoughts and feelings. I mean I enjoy it but or real... who enjoys reading this? really...

Adaptation

2005-08-12T01:57:00.000-06:00

I just finished watching the movie adaptation with Nicholas Cage. It was so long and boring and I loved it! It was a great movie. Its like a ver small glimpse into my head... my narcistic, pessimistic, obessive and insecure self (I love Scrubs too... what a great show...) but anyways point is I liked the movie and it partially expressed the nervous wreck that I call my thought life... anyways no one called me or showed up with ice cream... mmm ice cream... so i decided that Conan Oberst was right... "when everything is lonely I can be my own best friend... I'll get a coffee and the paper and my own conversation..." so thats what I did... and I watched a movie... it was all good... I love me

Quote from the movie Adaptation:
"You are what you love, not what loves you. Thats what I decided a long time ago."