Morning Contemplations

Some of you are aware that I live in a cabin up in Saskatchewan. For those of you who do not know this I would like to take this moment to fill you in a bit. I live here at the cabin with my 11 week old puppy who has been named Duke. I have limited access to internet and power, no plumbing, and I heat the place with a wood stove. Now by no means am I "roughing it" but I do lack some of the things I formerly took for granted. I also have to do some activities that I never had to do in the city.

Let me run you through how my day has went so far:

I woke up at 8:20am (which is the time Duke wakes up every morning) and had to build a fire because it was starting to get chilly. I also let Duke out for his morning business. After these two things were done I ate breakfast and washed my breakfast dishes with water that I have to haul in. I then bundled up to take Duke out for his morning walk. We walk about a kilometer or so every morning and at least another one in the late afternoon and/or evening. After we got back from the walk we had play time and worked off more of his puppy energy. Duke likes to run around with a stick, track rabbits, dig holes in the snow and bark at the birds. He really makes you appreciate some of the little things in life.

Once play time was over it was time to get down to work. I was running out of fire wood so that meant it was time to get the axe and start chopping up the stack of wood that I had prepared before the snow fell. I then spent the rest of the morning hacking away at the lumber so that I would have a significant supply that would fit into the stove. While I was out there I started thinking about how things had been years ago; long before the internet, or TV, or even electricity. I mulled over how different those days were from the way many live out their days now. At this point I decided to come in and warm up by the fire and to start writing this for you.

Now that I can feel my nose and cheeks I have to go back out and finish up with the wood. When I come back I am going to write an article about my thoughts and reflections regarding those times before electricity and technology.

How do you think we would fare as a society if we lost these things?

Back in Black

So here I am again.

Starting to blog once more.

It has been quite a long time since I have visited this blog; let alone posted. So before I decided to start re-posting, I read through some of my old posts. Some were interesting and some were funny. Some were just downright ridiculous! After reflecting on where I have been and contemplating where I am going I decided that these old posts were part of my history and I would keep them around. If nothing more than to look back at and have a laugh.

A lot has happened in my life since the last time I wrote in the confines of this text box. Things have changed, friends have changed, and I have changed. Some of these changes have been welcome and good while others were not. Some of the changes I didn't even notice had occurred.

I have some really good posts(in my opinion!) that I will be sharing with you as the days go on. If you choose to follow my rants then I hope that I deliver honest, well articulated, and thought provoking (and sometimes hilarious!) material.

Jumping Off Bridges - Roses Are Red

these walls around you
were standing so strong
your heart is wearing thin
I've known it all along
I start to walk into the shadows in the day dream
I know it isn't what it seems
and you're finding out for the first time in your life
you're finding out
you'll fade away
and the truth is going to stain
wash away
everyday
for the first time in your life
you'll drift away.

Undisposed ~ Wishing Well

I just sit here fast awake
Covered in my lonely sheets
Skin is sticking to my clothes
I just wait here undisposed
Find it hard to leave my room
Familiarity is scarce
But thats not why

Clock stopped working long ago
Fine with me
I don't want to know
My awareness of the time makes me reflect and wrings me dry
My fourth shower of the day
Only stopped cause waters cold
I slowly put on dirty clothes as I just wait here undisposed
But thats not why

Cynical cold neutrality
Comfortable Mentality
Why has food all lost it's taste
Why are dreams all being erased
Counting Days til I get paid
So I can cover up the stains
And counting heads that look my way
So the life I use won't seem so plain
But thats not why

When days just melt together I don't know why I just stand alone
When days just take forever I don't know why
I don't even try

Meaning

Meaning. Thats something interesting. It is something I have been thinking about a lot lately. Meaning, and what does it mean. Haha. I have been watching a lot of War movies lately. The latest being FlyBoys. In a world of fast food and fast cars do we know what meaning is? Where do we find it? In a world of movies, music, and video games we search for meaning. Some find it fleeting and hidden in the fabric of fantasy. I know video games are one big way that these young generations seek and find some meaning. Many people do not understand, but when you are emersed in a game you become a hero. You are in control and you have the ability to save. You achieve accomplishments and goals that can set you apart. Or at least you feel that way. It is more about the emotion and the feeling than it is the game itself. Everyone knows its just a game but for a fleeting second you feel that you have a sense of meaning, of purpose, of belonging. We are left to find our own meaning to things. I know I feel this way. I know I want to be apart of something greater than myself. Fighting for your country, for your family, for your people... it is something we know little about. Here in the Western Culture we do not have to face many of the other things that others have to face. We consider it a blessing. I am not saying that it is not, but I am saying that we have other problems that replace the old. Often they are hidden below the surface and we do not see them as plainly. Sometimes I wish that we were not as technologically advanced as we are. That we knew more adequately what it means to be alive, because we have to fight for it, we don't take it for granted. But thats not the case, we do take our lives for granted. I hope this blog is coherent and that you understand my points. I continue to search for meaning everyday. I have found some here and there but I still wait and yearn for my true meaning. Where will I find it? I don't know. But I know there is something more, something great...

P.S. I was going to write about how we often search for meaning in love but I think that topic is to vast for me to tackle at the moment.

Quote

Who will cry for the little boy, lost and all alone
Who will cry for the little boy, abandoned without his own
Who will cry for the little boy, who cried himself to sleep
Who will cry for the little boy, who never had for keeps
Who will cry for the little boy, who walked on burning sands
Who will cry for the little boy, the boy inside a man
Who will cry for the little boy, who knew well hurt and pain
Who will cry for the little boy, who died and died again
Who will cry for the little boy, a good boy he tried to be
Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside of me

Who will cry for the little boy Antwoine?

I will, I always do...

Thinking

I should be in bed. But I'm not. I can't sleep. Why? Because I'm thinking of a girl. I'm thinking of a girl that won't leave my head. Sometimes I wake up at night thinking about her. Thinking about how cute her smile is, how beautiful she is, and how there are pixies tugging at her hair. How I like the way she laughs, the way she talks, just the little things she does that I'm sure some people never notice. I write this at the risk of sounding creepy. I hope thats not the case. I'm just a hopless romantic stuck in his head, wondering, contemplating, confused. Every night I pray and every night I ask my questions and I wait to hear the responses. Every night I pray. I continue to wait. Waiting is tough, but all good things come to those who wait. I beleive that this is a very very good thing and so I wait. I may not understand everything, but I do understand I can't sleep. I can't sleep. How do you talk about such things? In movies things are so easy. My knees hurt. Goodnight.

Crush

So I am just sitting here listening to Fall Out Boy and thinking. Thinking about alot of things actually. This thinking process led me to write this blog. Why? Because if I write things out they can sometimes make more sense to me when I re-read it. I spend a lot of time in my head and a lot of time thinking and analyzing. So here I shall puke my brains out onto this site and hope it makes sense, not to you the reader, but rather just to me as the author. Have fun standing in on the criss-cross thoughts of Ty.

I haven't been in a very good mood lately. It has definately been a down time. It seems I have a lot of rollercoaster times lately. It seems that every single time that I start the climb to the top and things are looking up I get smashed in the face with something, something like homework, money, girls, school, work, diabetes, etc. Nothing seems to be going right lately and that ends up frustrating me even more. I don't know what to do or where to start. Holding your head up is hard when you just want to stay on the ground. I feel like I have gotten up so many times that I just don't want to get up anymore. I feel like I'm not holding onto a thing here. I'm getting more emo and depressing here then I actual meant to be but it is where I am at now. One thing that I really wanted to say is that I am sorry to anyone who I have neglected recently. It has nothing to do with you but rather with me and my mechanism or retreating into my own world and my own head. I am confused. There are some things that I really just don't understand. I don't understand why you would lie... I really don't. I don't understand why it is such a chore for me to get motivated. I don't understand why no matter how I hard I try it doesn't seem to work right. And thats why I end up falling back into my comfortable zone of not trying. Cause when you don't try and you don't do anything you can't do things wrong and when you do do something right then its awesome cause it wasn't expected. I know thats lame. I'm just sick of trying so hard. I want someone to waste all their time with me. To encourage me, to motivate me... but I guess I can't expect someone else to do that sort of thing. I understand that. I wish that I had someone to talk things over with, how I am thinking, feelings, and how things are truly going. I wish I had someone who really wanted to be that for me, as well as me reciprocate things. I know that they have to want to be that and I have to want them to be that for anything like that. I kind of want out of here. I kind of want something new. I kinna want the familiar. I kinna want to stay. I kinna want that cat to shut up because her moewing is annoying me. Maybe people don't hear one sound out of my mouth. I dunno. There are about 50 more years of this waiting around. Hmm. My car is giving me trouble and thats not cool, I don't like that one bit. I wonder when that phone call is going to come? Anyways I know the weather is not always perfect, I really do know that. I also know I just need to pick myself up and keep trucking er along. Oh my. You know what I want to do right now? Curl up in front of the TV with someone special and watch a movie. Forget things. Life. Hmm. I am sure this is making absolutely no sense at the moment, haha. O well what can you do I said it might not make sense. Hmmm. I can't keep writing, brain is going to fast. Thoughts are crushing me...

Buried Myself Alive ~ The Used

You almost always pick the best time,
to drop the worst lines.
You almost made me cry again this time.
Another false alarm,
red flashing lights.
Well this time I'm not going to watch myself die.

I think I made it a game to play your game
and let myself cry.
I buried myself alive on the inside,
so I could shut you out,
and let you go away for a long time.

I guess it's ok I puked the day away.
I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back,
you're gonna have to ask.

I think the chain broke away,
and I felt it the day that I had my own time
I took advantage of myself and felt fine.
But it was worth the night,
I caught an early flight and I made it home.

I guess its ok I puked the day away
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way.
And if you want me back
you're gonna have to ask
nicer than that
nicer than that...

With my foot on your neck
I finally have you,
Right where I want you,
Right where I want you,
Right where I want you,
Right where I want you

I guess its ok I puked the day away
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back,
You're gonna have to ask

Nicer than that,(I guess its ok I puked the day away)
Nicer than that (I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way)
Yeah, and if you want me back,
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that
Nicer!!
Nicer!!