The Loosing Of Shadows

How could you understand?
The way I feel about god...
How could you understand?
Anything, about me at all...
I am the wind, singing a sad song
I am a volcano, and i'll hurt you all
My pride, ripped a hole in the world that set loose...
A shadow!
How could you understand?
The way I feel about god
How could you understand?
Anything, about me at all
I am the wind, singing a sad song
I am a volcano, and i'll hurt you all
Billows and billows
Watch the smoke rise
I sail, to jaws of the dragon
A beast before me
A shadow, behind me and the only certainty
I'll hurt you all

~ Gatsbys American Dream

Theatre

I see the world in a swirl of hues,
but my favorite color is shame.

Tonight the sky is painted...
Tonight the sky is painted melancholy
and the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tradgedy on the far side of the world.

We're in the deep pockets of my mind,
where i lust after blood and pain.

Tonight the sky is painted...
Tonight the sky is painted melancholy
and the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tradgedy on the far side of the world.

I am I and the world is a woman
from who i must take take take.
In an act of lust, no, in an act of pride
And I am damned, but can I be saved?
but can i be saved?...saved

Tonight the sky is painted...(echo)
Tonight the sky is painted...(echo)
Tonight the sky is painted...(Tonight the sky is)
Melancholy and the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tradgedy on the far side of the world.

And the wind sings songs as if it would lament
some tradgedy on the far side of the world.

~ Gatsby's American Dream

Thank you For the Venom

This song (song? why the heck did I write song, I meant blog! although the title is from a song) has nothing to do with being stabbed in the back or poisoned by a friend... which is what I thought of when I wrote the title (the title just seems like that is what it would be about... well it's not ok so get off my back!) but rather what it has to do with is.... WHY AM I FLIPPING AWAKE! I WANT TO SLEEP! I hate it when insomnia attacks me. I was staying up to do homwork which I am doing but seriously I just want to go to bed. ANd why why oh why does every happy song that is on my random playlist have to be followed by an emo, tear jerking, heart wrenching, curl up in the fetal position and hold a pillow song! They are great songs mind you but thats not my point. The point is, I don't know what the point is. I need to get out and do something fun. Go to movie, go out for coffee, something involving going out. Even a walk. I should go for walk tommroowo... yeah maybe... or maybe not. Anyways I want to know why the News Casters don't cry when they read about the people that die. You would think it would be enough to put a tear in their eye. I love you Jack Johnson... Comfort me Norah Jones... after MxPx sings Chick magnet...



I just had an image flash through my head of me lighting my hair on fire and running down the streat holding a spatula and screaming "Huzzah the witch is dead, the wicked witch is dead"... haha... I don't even know where that came from but I am freaking laughing my head off... I'm not crazy.

Procrastination and Such

Ok so I am supposed to be doing my homework today. I skipped all my classes today so that I could get my assignments done. So far I am doing pretty good but I decided to take a break. Plus I should find something to eat. Anyways So much has gone on since my birthday that I don't even know what to write about!!

Birthday

Well my birthday was pretty good thanks to the girls on my blitz team and especially Rhiannon (and Amanda who were the only people who got me a birthday present beside my parents!). So yea I got in the van the day of my birth for our trip to Melville/Yorkton and the van had happy birthday decorations and a ballon on the antenea! There was a present and candy on the dash. When we got to melville they brought me a brownie with candles on it! It was pretty sweet! I appreciated it.

The Trip

The trip was pretty awesome! I love my Blitz team. We all seem to get along really well... and pick on each other all in good fun. We really came together and made the weekend fantastic even though we had started out in some confusion... and maybe a little bit of unpreparedNESS (that was for you nessa!) Melville was awesome and I really enjoyed the church and the youth. Yorkton went well too even though we had some setbacks. I could go into detail about the whole weekend and all the fun things we did and jokes that happened but it might get too "lengthy" right Russ? But yea everyone who spoke on the weekend spoke really well. Phil did a good job as did Rhiannon and Russ. I really enjoyed it. Piper and Mellissa and Kristine did awesome on the worship and Marilee did a great job with the kids. I can't wait until we go on another trip.

Homework Update

I am done Fee, halfway done Longenecker, and Still need to read Soultalk. I plan to have Longenecker done and Soultalk half read by tonight and then finish Soultalk tommorow. I wish i didn't have to work...

CD Update

Ok so my CD's went missing this summer and I was looking everywhere for them and could not find them anywhere so I thought they were stolen but then yesterday my brother gets in my car and goes, "Hey is this your CD case" and at first I thought it was Joshs' (I miss you man you need to visit) but then I realized I had given his cds to STevie. So yea... I have my CD's back! I missed them so much.

Preaching

So I preached on Wednesday night at Jr. Youth. It went really well! I really enjoyed it and can't wait for more experience. I spoke on the condition of the inside and outside of people and how God measures us not by how we look but by our heart and intentions. I was surprised how well everyone listened.

Relationship

Still single...
whats a guy gotta do? (I was just listening to that song for those of you who know what I am talking about... Amanda H)

God

I have been praying so much more and reading my bible alot more lately and it has been fantastic. I still need to improve on different areas in my life so keep me in your prayers.

I'm hungry and I really need to get back to my homework. Hope you enjoyed the Updates. (i'm still working on something special for my blog so keep tuned in!)

umm my song of the day is:

I need a girl who like to go to shows
I need a girl that won't make fun of my Clothes.
I'm looking for a special girl who wants to go all over the world,
If you're my special girl won't you let me know?

Do you have a boyfriend?
Or possibly a girlfriend?
Cause! I'm lonely all the time
And I wish that it would end.

I need a girl that likes to stay out late,
We'd share a cocktail, wouldn't it be great?
If only this were true then I would fall in love with you,
I'm looking for a special girl, could it be you?

I could write a stupid love song,
And sing it all across the world
But it wouldn't mean a thing.
Until I find my special girl.

When will I find my special girl?

That Special Girl ~ The Ataris

!i Happy Birthday to Me !i

It's my birthday and I'll do what I want to
F*ck you it's my birthday.
A special holiday only for me, so do what I say,
it's my party, I'll make you cry if I want to...or leave.
F*ck you, it's not your birthday, so do what I say.

For 24 hours your wishing me well
364 days I'm in hell, Oh well.
Happy Birthday to me.

alone on my Birthday,
I'm going to Denny's 10 times today
No Tip! it's my birthday, so do what I say
How could you forget my birthday?
That's really immature
F*ck you for forgetting my birthday
you didn't do what I say

24 hours no wishing well
now 365 days I'm in Hell, Oh well.
Happy Birthday to me.

Happy Birthday to me, Spank Me!
Oh well, Happy Birthday to me,
I can't believe you forgot my birthday
it's my birthday and you're wrecking it
now it's just like any other day
you didn't do what I say
How could you forget my birthday?
That's really immature...

Happy Birthday To Me ~ The Vandals

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All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a f*cking song and
I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can't wait.
(Yeah, some things just can't wait)

Happy Birthday To Me(Feb15) ~ Bright Eyes

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To Many Titles to Choose From

Ok so here I was with a blank screen and feeling the need to write something but not being able to form anything in my brain. So I just left blogger in the background while I talked to Megan. While I was talking to her she triggered what I wanted to write about. And what that is is:

Pause

I have been sick for more than a week now and it really sucks but I have felt like my life has been on pause. Not a good pause like everything has finally stopped and the stress is gone and you can get things done but rather a nuetral pause; just a pause where it's not good or bad its just there. I look at my life, myself, where I am at, and where I was, and where I should be. I see things I want to change and things I don't want to go back to. Things I want to keep and things I want to throw away. I think I should be praying... at least a lot more than I am. I feel that God wants me to hear something but it seems so fuzzy and unclear right now. All your prayers will be appreciated.

Everyday

I put on a worship CD just a little while ago. It just doesn't seem to do what it used to. To be completely honest right now GC is what is making me think and pray and worship. I have found that more and more lately. I find God in the places alot of people say I won't. I find him in the everyday, in music, in work, in a non-christian converstation, alone... The church just doesn't seem to be where he shows up for me. I'm sure some people think thats great and others think its bad... but I think its... well real. And thats what I want. To be real, and to know the real. Things are hard. But I need to make alot of things in my life into a routine.

Older and Wiser? Or just Older....?

This Friday is my Birthday. Birthdays to me... well at least my own... has never been a big deal to me. I ussually find myself dissapointed. I am sorry to any of you that this may hurt but it's the truth. Birthdays when I was young were always good but it seems after the age of 12 (Holy crap that is 10 years ago already) birthdays just let me down. The only one that I remember that was fantastic was last year. It was nothing amazing. Just two of my bestfriends made me an oreo cake, I had a nap, I almost got another tattoo, and then my two friends and I went to a movie. (which wasn't that good but it was the friends that made it good) and my bestfriend/roomate Amos made me a Birthday Card that I still have and another friend just smiled and said Happy Birthday but it didn't seem like an obligated Happy birthday but a genuine Happy birthday. I don't even talk to these people very often anymore. I don't even know if any of them read this blog or not. But to Carissa, Chrystal, Amos, Mike, and Andrew Mac; thank you, it meant alot ( I don't remember what it was that you did Andrew but it was in my memory so thanks... for whatever it was... haha) As for this years birthday... I know I am going to be in a van on my way to melville and yorkton with some good friends and some people I barely know. At least I can't be let down with that, ha. Anyways, this is not me wanting anyone to feel sorry for me, or me hinting for anyone to try anything to make it great. I'm fine with a non-birthday. I am also not saying that there weren't people that made other birthdays special but i am saying the overall days let me down. Anyways enough about me getting older... I am going to be 22... I can't beleive that... I still feel 19. Cept for maybe the aches and pains and the not being able to function on zero sleep. Which leads me to the fact that I really should go to bed.



Playlist of the night (All are GC songs)

Can't Go on
In This World (Murder)
Time After Time
Festival Song
Overcome
Change
Hidden Track of Change
Wondering
We Beleive

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And on another note here is a song I wanted to post (although I actually wanted to post alot of songs...)


"Change"

on...on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on
on and on and on and on and on

I am lost in the see-thru
I think you lost yourself too
Throughout all of this confusion
I hope I somehow get to you
I practiced all the things I'd say
To tell you how I feel
And when I finally get my chance
It all seems so surreal
Cause from the first time I saw you
I only thought about you
I didn't know you
I wanted to hold on to
The things you'd never say to me

[Chorus:]
Cause you said
You can't change the way you feel
(I could never do that, I could never do that)
But you can't tell me this ain't real
Cause this is real
(And you would see right through that)
In the end it's all I've got
(So I would hold onto that)
So I'm gonna hold on
On and on and on and on
On and on and on and on and on and on and on

And now you've got me watching your eyes
(Watching just to see, watching just to see)
You've got me waiting just to see
(If you'll ever look at me)
If it goes away it never will
(Will it ever go? Will it ever go my way?)
Your eyes are watching me
Oh
And now you've got me thinking 'bout
The first time that I met you
Standing in a crowded room
But I could only see you
And I hope my words will get through
Cause now I can't forget you
I wanna tell you
If only I could reach you
And make you feel this way

[Chorus]

Ohhh
On and on and on
Ohhh
On and on and on and on

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Goodnight.

Lots Of Time And Nothing to Say

The title says it all. All though I really do have lots to say but I have been having a hard time getting it out of my head. This happens to me from time to time. Plus I have been having a problem with starting to write a blog with a point but by the time I start writing it my mind drifts to something else. I think that last sentence that I wrote could be read in like at least 3 different ways and have different meanings... anyways thats not the point. Or is it? Well I am going to finish watching Alien and then either go to bed or blog again or do homework... why am I not asleep?

UNDERWATER

Underwater I wrote drowning
I use to be such good, good swimmer
But for now my head is in the clouds
I'm a silly love song
A twisted elbow crush song
I would go to jail with only boys
Just to prove I was as tough as you
And when I get out for good behavior
I'll be writing love songs
Silly banging knee songs
I'm a car crash
But I have to get up
And every morning it's a clean up
All I need is time, time to love you
The forecast is grey
But we're staying inside
You must live close
I've seen you drive by
I left signs on the lawn
Where have they gone?
Did you take them to tease me?
To follow or lead me?
You're a silly love song
A verse chorus and such
Some silly love song
A verse chorus and such
I'm a car crash
But I have to get up
And every morning it's a cleanup
All I need is time, time to love you
All I need is time
All I need is time
All I need is time, time to love you
All I need is time
All I need is time
All I need is time, time to love you
Baby all I need is time, time to love you
Time to love you

~ Tegan & Sara

I hate the the government.... (but I'm not a terrorist!)

Ok so now I am sitting in my bassment alone with a phone to my ear. I am trying to get a hold of student loans to see where the heck my money is! I called at 10:50 and am still waiting on the phone for someone to pick up. Oh look somone picked up but they said i should have pressed 1 instead of 2 and so they are going to transfer me over to the appropriate department. This is rediculous! Finally somone else picks up takes my information and then asks me when I took the documents in. I told him the date and he was like "Oh cause our computers are showing that the NSLSC has not recieved your documents yet. So you will have to contact them." And then proceeds to give me their number. So now I am on the phone waiting for and NSLSC rep to answer. I hate the music and the voices that come on and say "Please be assured someone will be with you shortly". Your kidding me! They hung up on me! I am really starting to get very upset here. (10 mins later) Now I am really pissed off! and so blah blah blah blah and the point is that they say I owe them money and I don't get the loan until that is paid... and blah blah blah I am too mad to finish this...

No Use For a Title

Well not really no use for a a title but rather couldn't think of one I liked so yea. Here I am on a Friday sitting in my dark basement being sick out of my mind. I ussually have music to listen to but I am soon to reformat my computer so all my music has been transfered. So I'm sitting alone in silence. It is deafening. I hate being sick. But at least I don't have to work this weekend. Maybe I will feel good enough to hang out with friends... and maybe I will have some friends that will call me to hang out... maybe. Or else I will just sit in my basement listening to the silence and my own thoughts as my computer is reformatted. THis is like the 7th blog I have written and then decided I didn't like so I deleted... BUT before I could delete this one I decided that I would post it just for the heck of it. So here it goes.

God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You ~ 'N Sync

Yeah....
Oh yes
Ohhh..yeah..
Can this be true?
Tell me, can this be real?
How can I put into words what I feel?
My life was complete
I thought I was whole
Why do I feel like I'm losing control?
I never thought that love could feel like this
and you've changed my world with just one kiss.
How can it be that right here with me
there's an angel?
It's a miracle...

Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep
When I look into your eyes
I know that it's true
God must have spent...
A little more time
On you...
(A little more time, yes he did baby)

In all of creation
All things great and small
You are the one that surpasses them all
More precious than
Any diamond or pearl
They broke the mold
When you came in this world
And I'm trying hard to figure out
Just how I ever did without
The warmth of your smile
The heart of a child
That's deep inside
Leaves me purified

Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep (and deep)
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep
When I look into your eyes
I know that it's true
God must have spent...
A little more time
On you...
(on you, on you, on you, you....on you, on you, on you, you..)
ohhh...
(on you, on you, on you, you....on you, on you, on you, you..)
yeah...

Never thought that love could feel like this
and you changed my world with just one kiss.
How can it be that right here with me
There's an angel?
It's a miracle...

Your love is like a river
Peaceful and deep (peaceful and deep)
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep
When I look into your eyes
I know that it's true
God must have spent...
A little more time
On you...
(on you, on you, on you, you..)
God must have spent...
A little more time
on you
(on you, on you..you....you..oooh..yeah)
A little more time
on you...ohhh

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I did not post this for any specific reason or person.

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So I have been noticing how my posts have started getting pretty mundane and kind of boring. (maybe some of you think they always have...) I am not sure how to spice it up again. I feel like my creative juices have stopped flowing. I should start writing stories again or something. I don't know. Hmm... maybe I do have an idea... but it will take a while for me to complete... yeah that just might work. Well you will have to wait and see what it is that I am going to do but hopefully I will get it done soon! Anyways I need to go and get some stuff done. I am sure I will post again later.

There's a new wind blowing...

So here I am at home. Alone. Doing nothing. I am bored. I should go out and do something. But I am not sure what. I have blitz in a couple hours. Thank goodness I do not work tonight! I would be so tired. Well this was supposed to be longer but I already know what I want to do. So I guess I will blog later.

blah!

why am I awake

What's Wrong With Me?

I am so happy right now... I don't know why. This giddy happy feeling isn't normal to me. It's awesome. Mostly because there is really no reason for it. I mean, I guess if you held me down and threatened to make me eat 30 pounds of raisins then maybe I would be able to pinpoint the source and tell you. But maybe not. I'm just sitting here in my room, chattin on msn. And there is nothing out of the normal. As I said to Amanda it is like reality and a dream. Its like orchards, and grass, and a sweet cool breeze, and moonlight, and blankets, and an old beaten path with a broken down wagon, and yea. Its like sunday morning, and flowers, and tag. I mean yea, I don't know. Hmm. We will see. This is just too weird....

Snowflake

Could I express?
Could you respond?
Last night I saw my world expand...
This morning I awoke.
Why are these things imbedded into me?
Why do they plague me and haunt my every thought?
Beaten back by only myself and my thoughts of others
Do these things matter?
Everyone says they don't but I have experiences that do
Do you understand?
Could you?
Melting into the black walls
Fading from the inside out
Shallow Reality?
Built in thoughts and mind
I guess we will see
If it comes to that
If I can
Get Past

Could I?
Could you?
Last night I saw my world expand...
Tomorrow will I awake?
Can things change?
You plauge my every thought and haunt my mind.
Lifted up by only that
Could these become reality?
Many say no but experiences say they do
Do you understand?
Will you?
Emerging from the shadows
Flickering into existence
Misguided Dreams?
I guess we will see
If it comes to that
If I can
Get Past

If you can
Get past

The Circle Of Life

So here I am sitting and eating a snickers bar while thinking about life. Ok, well not like all life in general or the meaning of life or anything like that but rather work. Work is a big part of our lives. We go to school to learn and gain skills to work. We then go to more school to gain more skills to work. So at first you might think life is school and the journey to work. But you would be wrong. We need to pay for school and the only way to pay for school is to work and get money (unless you are lucky enough to have your parents pay for it all). Now you might say "That's not true, what about a student loan?" Which is a good point but you still need to work to pay off that student loan eventually. We need to work to eat, we need to work to play, we need to work to get money to get the things we want. So really it's just about money and the means by which we get it. So it's really a vicious circle. I had a lot more to rant about work but I got bored. Plus I need to go to work.

So this is the New Year... And I don't feel any different

Happy New Years Everyone.
I hope everyone had a good New Years.
Mine was really good, especially considering I spent 4 hours in the ER waiting room while Phil got stitches for his wound from a knife fight. Once I got off of work I called up Rhiannon and Amanda and went and hung out with them for New Years. We chatted and hung out, went on an unsuccessful cinnimon bun hunt, I ate Nachos with a hamburger patty on it, We watchted Pride and Prejudice (which is a really good movie, We joked and laughed and had an all around good time. After that Philip called and informed me he was in the ER awaiting stitches and needed to be picked up. So we went and waited for him to get stitches and then ended the night at about 5 in the morning when we finally left the hospital. There were alot of interesting people at the hospital...

Anyways that was a quick overview of my New Years.

ER

Ok, so I was going to write about my New Years evening but I am really really tired. I spent 4 hours in the emergency room waiting room. Yea it was pretty awesome. Well I will probably blog about everything tomorrow sometime. For now I need sleep.