Got a perfect set of blueprints. I'm going to build somebody else.

I hate moving. Well I hate moving out. I hate packing everything up and I hate moving everything over. Especiailly when I have procrastinated everything and now only have 6 hours in which to complete the pack and the clean. Irritating. Actaully I am not doing to bad. I already have most of my stuff packed and ready to go, the problem is that I have no where to put it. I have to be out of here but I can't move into my new place until after 12:30 on the first. Blah. There is one thing that I am anticipating and that is once I am in the new place. This is the part of moving that I like. I like taking everything out and organizing it. Setting up my room will be fantastic. I can't wait. However, I need to get through this packing and cleaning first. I have only gotten 4 hours of sleep. I am going to be so tired. I don't even know where I am going to be sleeping tonight! Meh whatever.
There are alot of things that I need to do today. Alot to get done. I like being busy. Not overloaded but just busy. Anyway, I should get back to the task at hand.

Frank Miller's SinCity

(First Scene)

She shivers in the wind like the last leaf on a dieing tree.
I let her hear my footsteps.
She only goes stiff for a moment.
"Care for a smoke?"
"Sure, I'll take one. Are you as bored by that crowd as I am?"
"I didn't come here for the party. I came here for you. I've watched you for days. You're everything a man could ever want. It's not just your face, or your... figure, or your voice. It's your eyes, all the things that I see in your eyes."
"What is it you see in my eyes?"
"I see a [scared girl who is] sick of running. Your ready to face what you have to face but you don't want to face it alone."
"No, I don't want to face it alone."
The wind rises electric.
She's soft and warm and almost weightless.
Her perfume is sweet promise that brings tears to my eyes.
I tell her that everything will be allright.
That I will save her from whatever she is scared of and take her far far away.
I tell her... I love her.
The silencer makes a whisper of the gunshot.
I hold her close until she's gone.
I'll never know what she was running from.
I'll cash her cheque in the morning.

_________________

I have even more to say today. But silence slices through my soul like a knife to my wrist. My thoughts drown me slowly as they drip all over my body. I spent the night in a graveyard. The dead are what saved me. They were all I had. Later a friend called and showed up at my house, I appreciated it, sort of. My conscience sears me like the smoke in my lungs. I love, I hate that I love. We are all done here.

Bang your head against the wall for good luck

I wanted to write. I wanted to just start and never stop. Spill everything on a blank page. I'm stuck inside my head though. I can't get out. I keep screamin but no sound is emitted from my mouth. I am so depressed yet so happy at the same time. I love myself but yet hate who I have become. I feel that all the friendships I have here are shallow. I miss the deep friendships. I have been hanging out will Phil alot lately and it has been enjoyable, I choose my words carefully.

Amos and Faith came through here on Saturday. I got to hang out with them for a little while. It was so fantastic to see them again. Absolutely wonderful. One of my friends stopped talking to me last week. Still not sure why. I can't wait for this week to be over. To be in my new place and to be in school. I have so much I need to get done this week. I am not looking forward to it. I am so bored right now. I want to be out doing something, but I am not. Instead I am sitting at home again doing nothing. I guess I shouldn't complain. I have been out alot lately. Why am I so depressed right now? I mean I love my life right now... Things are great... well a different great than I used to mean. Maybe thats the issue... Tony Knight is taking over. It is all a process. Things will all work out, I just hope it is soon... before it is too late.

Flush

Spinning
Round and Round
Down and Down I go
I don't even try to stop
I just let it all go
Let myself go
I watch it all happen
Hoping I will stop myself
No one else will
No one else is there
No one to help me
Only to judge
Alone and Dizzy
I need out of the ditch
At least the road is in reach
For now
Are you there to help me?

Fight Club

I am Jacks morning breath...

I slowly open my eyes and roll over. They feel heavy and are fighting to stay closed but I force them open one at a time. I am back home in my bed, finally. I lay in my bed motionless for what feels like an hour. I notice an interesting pattern on the ceiling and then my mind wanders. I start thinking about who I was, who I am, and who I am going to be. I then drift over to my friends and think about who they were, who they are, and who they are going to be. I sit up on the edge of the bed and cup my head in my hands. My mouth feels so gross. I need to brush my teeth real bad. I slowly rise to my feet and move towards the bathroom. As I reach the door I look down and I see my shadowy friend. I haven't wrestled with him recently. Actually we have been hanging out alot and getting along lately. His name is Tony Knight. He is my Tyler Durden.

Silence

Silence fills me

It's not me it's you...

Hellman by Millencolin

No matter what I feel for you
Those three words I can’t sayI regret the times I used the word ok
I know how much it means when people show they really care
Of the value in honesty I’m quite aware
But still there’s much in my that I don’t share

Don’t have the guts to say what I think
I’m too scared, to say what I think of you

The other way around, I’d sayI function the same way
The darker sides of me I underplay
Affraid to get into conflicts
Affraid to tell you no
Though I know this weekness keeps me low
There’s so much inside me that I don’t show

Something I can never show
Why I don’t know...

Don’t have the guts to say what I think
I’m too scared, to say what I think of you
I’m too scared of what I really think of you

Quagmire

Sinking...
Ideals Lost in the shifting ground...
How am I supposed to feel
I don't know if I should stay or turn around and run
Perfect images shattered at my feet
Hopeless Romantic...
Lost love
Love lost
Humanity pulls off the mask I make for it
Yet wonder why I become so cyncical
Haunting...
Lost all alone
Undone
Come undone
Unravelled on the floor
Shallow
People/Breathing
Lost it oh so long ago...
I saw this coming long before...
hmm
Black
I am just writing without real thought... just pen to paper style... write the words in my head... I don't know what it is... or what it is supposed to be.... but there it is... take it for what it is worth

PULL THE TRIGGER AND THE NIGHTMARE STOPS

You asked....

but I didn't answer.

Why didn't I answer?! You asked me how I deal with things that bother me. I neglected answering. I negelected answering because something is bothering me and when you asked me that, I thought about how I am handling it now. The way I am handling it is bottling it up. Letting it eat at me while you talk. I know I should say something, but I don't. I just fall inline... say what I should... say what you want to hear. Occasionally I step out and say something... but then we argue and I just give up because I know if we keep going I will have to fix it later. There are alot of things I want to say but I never do. You would get mad and maybe we would never talk again... and so, for some reason, I am happier by letting myself die so that we may live. I'm only happy when it rains.

_____________________

I’m only happy when it rains ~ Originally by Garbage (I listen to Richard Cheeses' version)


I’m only happy when it rains
I’m only happy when it’s complicated
And though I know you can’t appreciate it
I’m only happy when it rains
You know I love it when the news is bad
Why it feels so good to feel so sad
I’m only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
Pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains
I feel good when things are going wrong
I only listen to the sad, sad songs
I’m only happy when it rains
I only smile in the dark
My only comfort is the night gone black
I didn’t accidentally tell you that
I’m only happy when it rains
You’ll get the message by the time I’m through
When I complain about me and you
I’m only happy when it rains
Pour your misery down...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down on me...pour your misery down
Pour your misery down...pour
You can keep me companyAs long as you don’t care
I’m only happy when it rains
You want to hear about my new obsession
I’m riding high upon a deep depression
I’m only happy when it rains...pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains....pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains...pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains...pour some misery down on me
I’m only happy when it rains...pour some misery down on me...
pour some misery down on me...
pour some misery down on me...
pour some misery down on me

_______________


I wish I had wrote that.......
but I didn't...

My poor brain is going to pop...

I do not feel appreciated.

Fitful sleep, Fit of Rage... give me back my face!

It's like 3:00 in the morning! I wake up to somone breathing on my neck... half asleep I begin to role over to see who it is... but instead of being greeted by a kiss I am greeted by two very strong hands close around by throat! I try to yell but the air is squeezed from my throat in more of a hiss than anything else. All I see is the same shadowy figure that I was haunted by earlier. The same shadow that has stolen my face! Angry about the face stealing that has occured I start to throw my fists around and thrash violently. The grip loosens on my neck until finally there is a release, but now I recieve a wholloping blow to my nose. I throw a left and then a right at my assailant. They connect firmly to his solar plexis. Winded he doubles over and I push him onto the floor. I start kicking him... I pick up my chair and slam it down hard onto his torso all the while screaming "Give me back my _______ face, you _____!!" (Fill the blank with your favorite words... such as 'beautiful' and 'jerk'... they work...) I start to feel bad for all the violence... I sit back on my bed and sigh "Can't we get along in peace?" The shadow slowly crawls toward the door. "Can I at least have my face back?" The shadow spits his shadow spit on the floor (which is rather hard to clean up!) and dissappears into the dark hallway. I am to tired to follow. I rub my sore nose, I didn't want violence... I am not a violent person. All I wanted was a fitful sleep where I don't get attacked.... oh and maybe my face back... that would be nice...

T.V. night was lonely without you... and so am I...

I am just sitting here listening to Dashboard Confessional. Today has been a good day. The last day of work went by smoothly. There was a show at the bassment that I had wanted to go to but I really needed some quality time alone. So I stayed home and watched a movie and ate some pizza. I just spent the evening relaxing and now I think I am going to go to bed soon. Tomorrow I am planning on getting alot of stuff done that I really need to finish. It will be good. I hope I have friends that contact me so that I have something to do on friday night... hint hint... first come first serve... I think I am going to go to sleep...

In a hail of bullets

BANG! BANG! BANG! BZZZZ! BZZZ! WHIR!!! blink blink...

I don't want to open my eyes.
As long as my eyes are closed I do not have to face the real world.
I can stay inside my own reality. I lay there in my bed waiting and thinking. I hope that I may fall back asleep. No such luck. The electrician downstairs continues banging and drilling and I continue wishing for silence and sleep. Finally I realize I will have to open my eyes at some point, so I slowly make my way from my bed to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Soon I am back in my bed hoping for the silence, the sleep, and the false reality that I so desire right now. I toss and turn. I lay still. I think. I again drag myself from my bed. Once again it is for water but this time it is a shower. I turn the water on and just watch it fall. Water is such a beautiful thing. I step inside and recoil from the freezing cold. Right, I want warm. After the needed adjustments and the events of cleansing oneself in the morning routine is over (brushing teeth also included in this) I wander back to my room and decide to type on my computer. I don't really have alot to say. I would type my thoughts but people do not understand. Miscommunication. I wish people could understand, not twist and assume what I am saying... it causes too many problems that I am tired of repairing. I wish I had someone to understand and listen to me. Today is my last day of work. I am finished at 8. I want to do something with people but yet I almost just want to stay home alone. I wish someone would surprise me... with something. As I sit here typing my mind begins to drift away. Suddenly my bedroom door flys open. Startled, I turn around to see a black figure at my door. He is holding a shining silver blade! I quickly scan the room for something to protect myself with. The dark figure lunges at me and I hit him with my fan. The blade drops and both of us jump to where it lays. I am closest but the figure is on my back. It starts to punch me. I flail around and manage to throw it off. It hits my desk and my monitor falls on it. I spring onto the dark, shadowy figure and start punching it repeatedly in the face... I don't stop... I just keep going. Finally it is motionless. I look at it and I finally see its face. The face that I see is mine! I stumble back in shock. Confusion overwhelms me. Before I have time to think anymore I am attacked from behind. How did it get behind me? It was... was.. right there! I throw the assailant over my shoulders and run to my bed. I chuck the mattress off and grab my dual magnums. I see the shadow run for the stairs. I let off a burst of ammunition and begin to chase it. As I round the corner I hear a loud BANG and chhh chik... where did it get a shotgun. I let off a few more shots and leap into the laundry room. Bullets rain around me like a monsoon. Silence. I wait. Nothing. I poke my head out of the door and there is nothing. Where did he go? I stealthly move from the laundry room out into the dining area. I still don't see anything. BANG chhh chik... the kitchen...crap... I leap over the couch sending a barage of bullets in the direction of the last shot. I lay on the other side of the couch, my mind racing. I pop up and release some cover fire so that I can look at the clock. Just after 2:00! I need to go to work right away! BANG chhh chik! My goodness... this is brutal. I have had enough. I stand to my feet and fill the walls with lead. I just shoot. Bullets are flying everywhere... I can hear the bang of the shotgun. The air is hot and stale. CLICK. Empty. No more bullets left. Silence. I hear a door close. I reload my magnums and put them in my belt. I am safe again... for now... from myself. I am my own worst enemy.

Time for work.

Yesterday Feelings

"Yesterday Feelings" The Used

Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where worries are washed out to sea
See the changes, people's faces blurred out
Like the sun spots or raindrops
Now all those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
Left the only worries I had in my hands
Away from the light in my eyes
Holding tight and try not to hide how I feel
'Cause feelings mean nothing now
All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time
but today I've wasted away for today is on my mind (yeah today is on my mind)
Now I can't care to worry
I'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart
Close my eyes and move to the back of my mind
Where feelings mean nothing now
All those feelings, those yesterdays feelings will all be lost in time (all be lost in time)
But today I've wasted away for today is on my mind
for today is on my mindyeah today is on my mind
Now I can't care to worryI'm feeling so lonely
Breaking apart all this love in my heart

I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been but I know where I want to go.

Bright Eyes.
Ok so I haven't posted since Saturday morning and I am sure that my loyal fans that read my blog every single day are wondering "Whats wrong!? Whats going on!? Is he ok?!" Well I am now here to answer these questions and update you. Nothing is wrong. Lots has gone on. And... am I ever ok? ok well thats it... talk to you later...




Just Kidding... read on silly
Ha silly, what a word... its a funny word... funnier when guys say it... silly... silly... silly... ha... I love me. Anyways, I got my nose peirced on saturday... I just needed peircings or tattoos and seeing as peircings are cheaper... so yeah... spur of the moment thing... I love getting peirced. That was in the afternoon. In the evening I went out to Vanessa's thing... it was good... I really enjoyed it. I got lost though... lost in my thoughts... we were out by the fire at this time... after seeing the animals and what not... Vanessa was playing guitar and singing and it was wonderful... I really do think she is very talented. Anyways I first drifted off listening to the music and I started get lost by drifting away... for real... I like floated above everyone and watched from the sky... watched the fire and the people and did what I do best... which is watch.. yes I know... creepy. but anyways as I was floating above everyone and watching I looked around to see the pretty stars but they weren't out... it was too cloudy. I kept drifting until suddenly I was in a hall way... I was walking down this hallway that just would not end. As I walked I saw names of people I had known... who I did know and doors with names that I couldn't read. I saw names like Daryl, who I had went to school with, and I saw Robin's name, and Adams, and Virginias, and J-D's and Logans, and Shancelle and Phil and so many more. Some doors were closed and some were open... I had a key in my hand. I just kept on walking and walking and walking and I saw Carissa's door and I just stood there... memories flashed through my head of alot of things... and I thought of alot of things... sorted out alot of things... and rethought things I had sorted out before. I tried the door but it was locked... I didn't bother opening it but kept on walking. I was now in an area where there were no names on the doors. Suddenly everything crumbled away and I was on fire... but it didn't burn... actually it felt good... I then looked from the fire at myself standing there.... and I watched myself... I searched myself... I know who I am but I am getting to know who I want to be and who God wants me to be... and that was what I did as I watched myself stand there... I then snapped back into my head and the conversation and the people... I soon drifted off again and this time I was on a boat... I was rowing around... all alone... it was dark... so very dark... suddenly there was someone in the boat and I was happy and not alone... but they jumped out.... I was sad and cold and dark for a long time... then there was someone else but this time I jumped out and when I climbed back in they were gone... then I saw someone swimming and I pulled them into the boat and we were happy and things were bright... then I blinked and they were gone... I looked every where for anyone but there was no one... slowly I saw someone and they were glowing but I snapped out of my thoughts and I was soon back standing with everyone... I continued thinking about alot of stuff, mostly of myself but some about friends... I realized Vanessa wasn't playing anymore... and I started thinking about the songs that she had played... then I sat down... but it was time to leave.

Sunday I went to church... it was good... afternoon I ate with parents... it was also good... late afternoon and evening were at the ex with phil and his mom and my wonderful friends... it was mostly good... although I was in a bad mood around the fire works time... tired... frustrated and irritated.... I was in a better mood after that thought when the one man band played sugarhill gang and then I went on rides with Phil, MJ, Delia, and the wonderful me. I got to talk to Delia quite a bit and get to know her better, she is a very cool person... actually all of the people I have met has been really awesome... I don't really know MJ or Rebbecca... I think that was her name... to many names.... but from what I know of them they are pretty awesome too... YOU ARE ALL AWESOME!!!!! YES ALL OF YOU!! GREAT!! I AM GLAD I MET YOU>>> that was your shout out... I really did shout it... did you hear me? but ya... and then I thought about me somemore... not that everything is about me... but who I want to become and who I need and should be... who God wants me to be.... I thought about reverance to God and knowing him as king and not just as friend and then I thought about really knowing him in all aspects... and then I thought about how little I am in the scheme of things and what he really has planned for me.... then umm the lost keys happened at this time... and then the shancelle call then a late night... and then some sleep and then work and then I ended up going and playing cards with the girls. It was good times... I was originally in a really bad mood but it picked up alot as the night went on... it was great... I had lots of fun... everyone is leaving though and although I don't know them that well I am sad because I have had lots of good times with them already. So yeah today I went to a movie with phil that we didn't get to finish because the movie broke... so we ended up just chatting... yeah... that was my last couple of days summed up. Actually summed up in a very fast, short, probably confusing way. Oh I had work mixed in there too... and work has been ok... oh and some prep for school... and alot of neglecting and procrastinating things that I NEED to do... such as get another job! hmm.. yeah... I have done alot of thinking about thoughts tonight too.. its been good... and bad... and weird... I love me and my head... I also love Weezer... Rivers is awesome... speaking of Weezer... I once again miss Amos... I miss him as a roomate... our chats... blah... anyways... I missed alot of things that happened this weekend too.... like more thoughts.... and day dreams and what not... but I ussually don't talk about those anyways... they are... well complicated and people just sometimes don't understand... Misunderstood... yeah... and then there is the question of if I am good enough for that then why not me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? do I smell funny? Not that I necesarily want it to be me... but the question still remains... and ... why? why do I do this? why do I try? I dunno... I think I will retreat into my head for a while now and then go to bed... it is getting late... again... I don't think I have been asleep before 4 in the morning ever since friday... blah... i hate going to sleep but I love sleeping... I am getting really tired... ok well I think that this is enough for now... it is all I can think of to write about... no thats not true... but I am not making sense... actually i don't know if any of this made sense...

Anyways... there I go again... saying anyways...

Girls like that don't like guys like me they like guys with punk rock pants...OH! bands punk rock bands... not pants.... I understand... I had it wrong all along... (that was a memory from a conversation with J-D two weeks ago or so... it was great.... sorry)

Well I should say goodnight or goodday or good morning or whatever it is for whoever you are whenever you read this... thank you for taking the time to read the steaming heap of crazy word barf... buh bye and catch you on the flip side...

Everyone is my friend... except for you... actually... especially you! you have a cute smile... your so sweet... here have a block of cheese...

ok sleep now

Your Heart is Cold... and so are my feet

I am tired.
I have a headache.
I am drinking pepsi and listening to emo music and I just had a big emo talk with an emo friend about girls and emo stuff. I am grumpy because my landlord just walked into our place while we were sleeping... he was showing it to random people... there was no notice nothing... well unless you call the phone call that was like 5 mins before he showed up notice... but we were sleeping so we didn't get it. What he did is illegal. I am sitting here and thinking about my emo life... or lack there of. I am freezing right now! Like seriously it is soo cold right now... how am I ever going to survive this saskatchewan winter! I miss B.C. I liked being emo in B.C. with the rain and the warmth and the mountains and the moss and the beautiful everything that is B.C. I just had a life... or a resemblance of one but I lost it again... I sank back into my non existence... frustation... confused... depressed thing I used to.. and now once again... call a life. Why does everything I want slip through my grasp? Leave me? Disappear? and why can't I spell? I am heaven sent. Don't you dare forget. I am all you've ever wanted. What the other boys all promised. wish I knew...

Today should be good. It should be fun. I am once again draggin myself out of my safe room... to hang out with Shancelle and Vanessa and ... well I am not sure who else for sure... I am assuming Delia and Mary-Joy and maybe the Michelle girl I met the other night... and well I don't know who else.

I can't wait till I move into my new place. I can't wait until college starts again... I can't wait until... I can't wait until... I can't wait until and I also can not wait until....

I just want to believe.
My feet are cold.
Just like the world... the cold cold harsh world that we live in. Every chance to leave is another chance I should have took... can we seriously start our band now man? like for real... lets wright songs about our emo selves and our not leaving our rooms and our friends that we don't have and how cruel girls are but yet how amazingly wonderful they are... lets fill our heads with contradictions and prescriptions. We can do it. Why do I let myself ramble like this? with these pointless thoughts and feelings. I mean I enjoy it but or real... who enjoys reading this? really...

Adaptation

I just finished watching the movie adaptation with Nicholas Cage. It was so long and boring and I loved it! It was a great movie. Its like a ver small glimpse into my head... my narcistic, pessimistic, obessive and insecure self (I love Scrubs too... what a great show...) but anyways point is I liked the movie and it partially expressed the nervous wreck that I call my thought life... anyways no one called me or showed up with ice cream... mmm ice cream... so i decided that Conan Oberst was right... "when everything is lonely I can be my own best friend... I'll get a coffee and the paper and my own conversation..." so thats what I did... and I watched a movie... it was all good... I love me

Quote from the movie Adaptation:
"You are what you love, not what loves you. Thats what I decided a long time ago."

The Answer that you want is in the Question that you state.

I told you the sun would come out and ruin my day! Not that it was a bad day because of events but more because of thoughts.... if you know how that goes... but it was a boring crappy day. No youth showed up at the centre because of the Ex and so it was long and boring. One of the kids that did actually show up put flammable liquid in my coworkers tail pipe.... not fun. Then I went out for tea with Jordon, which was good but short... my tea really sucked too, I am thinking no more starbucks for me... i guess i will see. I wish I had someone who would call me up and be like, "Hey I noticed you are feeling down, I brought you some icecream (or cookies or pepsi or a present... some sort of trinkit) and lets watch _______" fill the blank whith whatever movie they bring.... such as the notebook..... or some horror movie. or "lets go for a walk and then they give me a hug." That would be nice. Excpet that wouldn't work if they were a guy... so they would have to be female... I might be slightly creeped out if a guy said or did that.... yeah... anways... I am just bored... and grumpy and I have a headache... and ...blah i can't even think right now... I think I am going to get ready and go to bed and hope someone contacts me....

I am too restless to unwind....

"The Ballad" Millencolin

The last selection in the ballgame. Does never get a pass. "Not appreciated's" just his first name. He's the scapegoat of the class. There are no friends to cheer him up and no girls, no sweet romance. It's impossible to expand, when you never get a second chance. Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone? Do you care enough to see? He's in pain and misery. He's not going to the school-prom. He said he had the flu. Trumped-up excuses he told his mom. -I'm safer here with you. She told her son. -Someday, they'll all be sorry for mistreating you. Don't be afraid my son and trust me. -You'll be someone they will look up to. Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone? Do you care enough to see? He's in pain and misery... Do you care enough to see? Do you know, who's that guy, who's all alone? Do you care enough to see? He's in pain and misery.

Lets Just Keep Singing

yes! today is totatlly perfect! Life is back to normal! I crashed last night, I had a crappy sleep, I am in a crappy mood, my pizza pops that I bought just for lunch today have been eatin by one of my roomates, I have a headache, and I have only been awake for 15 minutes. The only thing that is going for me so far is that it is cloudy and rainy... with my luck it will clear up and be a nice sunshiney day. I prefer the rain. I miss BC... How am I going to survive another Sask winter after being in BC for their winter... oh life isn't fair. I think I am getting sick. I still need to get my student loan sent in AGH! and I have no job after this one ends on the 18th. I really don't want to go to work. I wish I had friends that would surprise me and take me out and cheer my up, but everyone has their own issues or are broke, which I totatlly understand. I miss going out to Timmy Ho's with Amos and drinking tea and talking about why we are the way we are. I miss the drives with mike and amos. Everyony is gone. And so am I. I almost wish I was going back to BC becuase both of them are... but then I would miss people here... I guess I can't win. I am just ranting and in a bad mood... sorry. I am going to shower and... well not eat because my roomate ate my food! and then sulk around and sit by the phone hoping it will ring but it won't. Man I am soo emo... don't take it personally

Crash and Burn...

and wait for it... wait for it... there it is
I crashed about 15 mins ago. Now I am burning. I predicted this in an earlier blog. I was hoping I was wrong but no... I'm not. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight... I fell asleep at work today... there were no kids there all evening! It was such a slow day... the sleep was really good though... i fell asleep on the couch upstairs... and it made me realize how tired I am... emotionally....physically... everythingly... I still have not recovered. It also made me think about how nice sleep feels when you are not supposed to sleep... like sleeping after your alarm goes off... or a quick nap between classes or at work.... it is just so great feeling...

but yeah I am still burning... I wonder if I am manic depressive... I can swing drastically between emotions of joy and depression... or maybe its just because God created me emo... oh so emo I could cry... I am home alone right now and what I wouldn't give to have someone with me right now... I should not be listening to Dashboard Confessional right now... I am missing people... like mike... and amos... who is getting married this weekend... and I can't be there... crappy deal. Well I have more to post but... I am going to go for a short walk... I need.... something

~Screaming Infidelities.. Dashboard Confessional
I'm missing your bed, I never sleepAvoiding the spots where we'd have to speak& this bottle of beast is taking me home.I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheetsYou're not alone & you're not discreet.You make sure I know, who's taking you home.I'm reading your note over again.There is not a word that I comprehend,except when you signed it "I will love you always & forever"
As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,and sit alone and wonder,how you're making out,but as for me I wish that I was anywherewith anyone making out
I'm missing your laugh, how did it break?And when did your eyes begin to look fake?I hope you're as happy as your pretending.I'm missing you bed, I never sleep.Avoiding the spots where we'd have to sleep.And this bottle of beast is taking me home.
Your hair.It's everywhere.Screaming infidelities.Taking it's wear.

Time Stands Still

hmm, what to write what to write... I mean I have alot to write... like ussual... but when it comes time to writing it I don't really feel like letting everyone into my head. I mean I do want to get it out on paper... or well written out anways... and I mean I want to share it all with certain people but I can't... why can't I? Well because I am confused. What am I confused about? That is a good question... there are alot of things that I am confused about... and I am not finding many solutions on my search for the answers... but I have realized that it is not really the answers that are the best part but rather the jouney... as cliche as that sounds.... because I am finding more answers for questions I am not asking... so that brings me to the question... Am I asking the wrong questions? hmm... could be I mean contrary to popular beleif... I am fallible and finite and may not know everything... WHAT? did I just admit I don't know everything? yes I did... and actually I don't really know anything at all. Let the events unfold... make the best decisions with the facts you have... and the feelings you feel... I think you need to balance both fact and feeling... you can't rely on one or the other.... you need both... this can be hard... very hard... once again I am sure that you have no idea what my ramblings are or what they mean... but quite often this is more for me than it is for you... so let life take its course... let it flow... use the talents and tools you have been given... I wish I was more forward... no thats not true... (haha I have developed an amos complex... speaking of amos I miss that guy... it is his wedding this weekend HOLY CRAP!){speaking of amos that reminds me of roomates which reminds me of Cody which reminds me that he was here and didn't look my up! I will find you and make you pay... literally... you still owe me 60 bones man!} Anyways back to the rant at hand... which was... oh I forget... thats not true... I think about it alot acutally... well I think about alot of things but this is on track one... the most important track that all the other tracks cross or join or somehow link to... how can this nothingness bring me so much joy... especially when it is nothingness and I know it because... well becuase... maybe it can.... I love pepsi... it is my favourite thing to drink... speaking of pepsi I should go get some food... no I'm not really hungry... I should have got something to eat at Timmy Ho's.... no I wasn't really hungry then either... speaking of which I should blog about my evening... or day...

umm... my day was uneventful... all I did was go to work and work was slow because there were not many kids that showed up.... why? well I am assuming beceause there are some camps going on and the Ex and the Fringe.... so I left work and came home... upon coming home I came onto my comp... chatted on msn for a bit... then called shancelle... I normally would have been with phil because he stops by my work and we go out... but phil is in regina with his girlfriend... anyways... I called Shancelle and she was at young adults... which was at Pastor Johns place... she invited me over there... so I headed on over... ate some pizza... chatted with some people... then decided to leave because I wanted to go and see the show at Louis tonight... From Chimpan A to Chimpan Z was the band I really had wanted to see but alas it was way too late... I was also going to meet up with J-Dizzle but well for some reason I instead stopped at the Fringe to see what was the happy-haps... and well nothing was happening... it was actaully shuttin down... so I decided to walk down Broadway to see if there was anyone around that I knew.... and guess who I run into.... my new friends that I met saturday and went to lunch with on Sunday! We ended up going to Timmy Ho's and hanging out... it was really great... I enjoy them alot... they are awesome people... haha I just realized that someone like... Vanessa... yes you... might be readin this long rant... not looking for points here... I really do think you folks are great and would love to continue to know you better... how do you spell deelia? is that right? I was wondering that the other day... hmm anyways inside out outside in between... I am slightly getting tired... and bored... I need to email Justin... I should do that soon... and I need to go see what P Chappy Chap is up to tommorow... or today rather...hmm making sense much? thats ok... I should go to bed... all of you people out there... sweetdreams... yes you... and goodnight... and welcome to my head!

Alone

(another transfer from my journal... about 1 year old)

Deep into the Darkness I sank
I watched as the Light dimmed...
flickered...
extinguished.
The Darkness I had come to fear
Was now the only thing I knew
It was terrifyingly comforting
Yet upsettingly soothing
IT was full of so much nothing
IT never made promises IT couldn't keep
IT never Lied...
............Cheated
................or Stole
IT never hurt
This is what I have come to know
The darkness I built
Alone

By Ty Weiland
(TJW)

Baby don't hurt me...

(This is transferred here from my journal... it is about 2 years old)

There is one thing in this world that we can't seem to live with but we also can not seem to live without. It is the one thing that nobody really knows anything about or truly understands but yet it is still the most experienced. It is also very often taken for granted. Some people do everything they can just to fall into it while others do whatever it takes to build a wall or shield against it. People will do crazy things in its name and it can cloud the mind of the most level headed person. There are many different types and sometimes people mistake which one it is that they have. Some people express it with gifts and acts while others express it with words. It can be said but still be empty and meaningless or it can carry a life changing impact. Everyone wants to know if and when they will truly find it, how they will know that it is real and if it is shared with the right person at the right time. Every aspect of life is filled with it... you can't escape it...

Based on your smile...

My head is a whirl of thoughts. It has been a while since my head has been spinning with these thoughts and what ifs. I don't know what to do. I am confused... mostly because not only is my head spinning with these but also the old ones whitch makes my head a blender. It is hard to sort all of these things out. I know I am insane and way to analytical of EVERYTHING... sometimes I wish I was just really easy going and not a nervous wreck.... which i am most of the time in my head... Right now I am in my I wish stage... where I wish I was more this or more that.... last night it was my over analizing of events and creating what ifs and scenereios. Later it will be discouragement and then it will be courage... then after that it will be restless confusion and then the cycle starts all over.... that is when I don't interact with people... it gets more complicated and moves faster when I am with people... I just don't know... I need to set my course and continue... not let myselg get derailed... man it is only tuesday... i wish it was saturday already.... i only have 7 days of work left! I better get on finding me another job! Things are going really well right now... always could be better but i mean... things can't be perfect right.... my head is fun... sorting things out in there... I am finding alot of things in there that i had forgot about and things i didn't even know were in there... alot of it is confusing because there are a lot of contradictory things in there... its great actually... I can't wait for school to start and to be able to move into my new place. I really hope I can get a dog... I want a dog... I love dogs... anyways I think that is all I am going to write for now but I am sure I will post again soon. Thank you for your time and patience to you people out there who actually read my rants about everything and nothing... some of you know what this is all about... some of you probably have no clue at all... but thats ok...

Secrets and Sweaters

I have so much I want to write on here but I am not going to! I am going to keep it in my head... locked away... in my vault of secrets... and I think I get my Rancid sweater back soon! Yeah!

Low down, good for nothing, mistake making fool

Hmm... me having a good day? actually a generally good last couple of days?! Something must be wrong... I'm not alowed to be happy... or optimistic... but I am! Weird... life... crazy... I wish I could give everyone my joy that I am experiencing right now... I have a few hurtin friends that I wish I could really cheer up... you guys should know who you are... I love you. I am on my break from work and have nothing else to do... I hope this lasts... I hope things keep going well... I hope things keep going how I want them too... if they do... awesome...

Times like these and time like those
What will be will be and so it goes

Yeah for Jack Johnson...

NO! I hate you...

Grr... I had just about finished typing out my whole weekend and why it was great when the power cut out because there is an electrician downstairs pissing me off. So unfortuanately for you readers you no longer get to hear about my weekend in detail so I will lay out a quick overview

Friday night - Fringe, party, no sleep
Saturday morning- cell phone
Saturday afternoon - GEORGESTOCK, meet people
Saturday night - Fringe, back to GEORGESTOCK, meet people, no sleep
Sunday morning - Drunk Eric, People at my place, church
Sunday afternoon - lunch with new friends, pissyness, swimming
Sunday evening - BBQ, pissyness, clean, movie, still no sleep
Early Monday morning - sleep!

So that is a very short overview of it... and it doesn't really show you why I had a good weekend but... yeah... looking back there were alot of times of pissyness and whatnot but the good outwayed the bad and really thats the way things work. I met alot of people this weekend and I hope to become really good friends with some of them because they are really really wonderful people. Well I am going to publish this post before my power goes off again.

Just like the energizer bunny...

Still going.... and going... i really need sleep but I still have stuff i need to get done... man I thought I was going to crash a long time ago... but no... I go to church and then lunch and then swimming and then a bbq and now I am home... need to do some stuff around here... then maybe blog the weekend events and go to bed... or myabe just go to bed... although I have friends coming over tonight too... man... I need to stop... I was so antisocial a couple days ago... yeah... ok... more will come later...

Georgestock

Ok this weekend was absolutely wonderful! Georgestocl rocked... but i am tired.... i haven't slept since that last post... need sleep....but i have one more thing i need to do this weekend before i can sleep... then i am going to crash... and crash hard... then i will tell you all about my life at the moment... need sleep...

Love is just an excuse to get hurt.... do you like to hurt? then hurt me... hurt me... hurt me...

compulsively charging cd's to my account...

Good evening! This is probably going to be a short blog... Phil is supposed to be dragging me out to be social again... out to the Fringe... meh

Today was good the waterfight went well, movie night was good... they ended up watching motoXkids... some bike thing with a monkey that races... I dunno it was weird... but it was what they wanted to watch

hmm... this is shorter than I thought... I thought I had more to write... well I do have more to write but it is jumbled in my head right... so... until next time... keep your stick on the ice....

Again I go Unnoticed

Good Morning World!
I have a slight headache and don't really feel like going to work... however my sleep was amazing! I really really enjoyed it. Today at my youth centre we are going to have a waterfight in the afternoon and "Entertainment Night" this evening... we can't call it movie night because... umm... I guess because our supervisors don't believe that movies are a good waste of time... or rather they do beleive that it is a waste of time and think we should do something more active and educational.... I say "We are a youthe centre and we want to have fun not education!" The youth aggree with me so Movie Night is... I still need to decide what movie...

So it is official now... I will be returning to CPC... well student loans play a factor yet but I am hoping it comes soon enough. I am really looking forward to being back... I missed ol' CpC... although I also really really miss BC... o well can't win em all. I have found my new place that I am going to move into on the 1st of September... It is about a block and a bit away from CPC so that will be very nice... speaking of which... if any of you people out there are attending cpc or not attending but need a place I am willing to take on 2 roomates... of course you will have to pass my rigorous screening process.... just kidding... sort of... ha... anyways... yeah if you are interested then email me or call me if you know my number.

I suppose I will be spending my weekend at the Fringe... unless I go out to my parents Cabin which is a ver good possiblilty. I could use a calm weekend out on a lake in my row boat... watching the sunset... with the cool breeze blowing through my hair... and the scent of fall approaching, fresh in my nostrils... sitting there rocking gently on the lake.... thinking... pondering... and doing it all ALONE.... sounds good to me. If you would like to join me drop me a line! Anyways I should slowly begin to get ready for work.

Nobody is romantic because it is too early for dancing... but here comes the music

Summer swallowed us whole...

Ok so I will inform you of how this works... I start a blog and I blog like crazy for like the first week... then I stop caring... hmm... I guess we will see what happens with this one... Maybe there is hope for it... maybe there isn't... no one really knows... but time will tell...

Anyways I am sitting in my room... I just finished eating Homers pizza and it was great. I also have a sore neck and no girlfriend to come over and rub it for me... hmm... I am thinking about going to bed because I am sleepy... I love sleep but I hate going to sleep. Tonight I opted for staying home with the intent of sleeping... so I really should do that... other wise I should have went to the Fringe... oh the Fringe... but yea work has been pretty good lately... not so many little kids... I don't really like working with kids under 12 let alone kids under 8... and for a whole there were only 6 year olds at my Teen Drop in Centre... o well you work with what you get i guess...

Suddenly I am very very sleepy... time to go to bed... I had a lot more I wanted to write but I will save that for tomorrow.

Destruction of a hole

Grettings to all you people out there in cyberspace...
I decided that I was bored of using msn myspace to blog...
I am now blogging here...
Plus I wanted to post a comment on a friends blog and I had to be a member...
So here I am...

Hope you enjoy the ramblings of a crazy person...