I will hold your hand into the dark...

I quit. I am sick and I am tired of... well... of everything. I don't want to be here anymore and I don't want to do any of this anymore. So here I go. I am leaving this world behind. I no longer will exist.

(The story that had followed has been removed by the administrator of this blog. It is in its second draft now and is possibly available upon request.)

I want to live where Soul meets Body...

The alarm goes off. This is the third time it has gone off this morning. It is noon and I have to work at 1:30. Phil is still sleeping as I finally crawl out of bed and make my way upstairs. I get into the shower and crank the hot water. I just stand there letting the warmth cover my body. I can feel it already. I thought yesterday was bad enough but today is worse. I feel an emoday coming. I feel so sad and depressed for no real apparant reason at all. I don't feel like going to work. I don't feel like eating. I don't feel like doing anything. I lay down and just let the water encompass me. I lay in there until the water turns cold. I climb out and shave. Slowly brush my teeth. Comb my hair and put my glasses on. It is almost 1:00 as I head downstairs and get dressed for work. I'm not hungry but I feel that I should still eat something before work. I cook up some eggs and toast and sit in silence. Off to work I go. I get there and am stuck doing out of stock and moving displays. I help customers and mindlessly do my tasks. I have to stay an extra hour because the floor waxers are coming and I need to move everything so the can wax. But alas they don't show up and I have to put everything back plus come in 2 hours early on Sunday. Crap for crap. O well. At least I enjoy my job. I sit at home and drink my pepsi and type this. I look around and see a lack off color. Everything is grey. My hands are cold with no one to hold them. I wait for you to come home. Listen to my emo music. Sitting in sulky sad uncontented contentment. Where are you? Who are you? I miss you...

"I wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time..." ~ Marching Bands of Manhatten - Death Cab for Cutie

Why be Happy when you can be Sad?

Midterms are over but the stress is justing starting for me. I have quite a few big assignments due next week that I haven't even started on. Why have I not started on them you may ask. Well the answer to that is I am a slacker... also known as a procrastinist. My problem is not procrastination though. I have another trait that hinders me. It does not go well with being a procrastinist. It becomes very contradictory and frustrating. Why? Well because I am also a perfectionist. If I can't do it 100% I don't want to do it at all. Which triggers the lack of motivation in the procratinist part of me causing me to quit or not care. This has posed some pretty huge set backs to me. It gets really frustrating. It effects all aspects of my life.

I love my job. But I am tired of working.
I love my classes. But am tired of learning.
I love my life. But am tired of living.

"...Lifes been killing me ever since it begun, you can't blame me because I'm too young." Cookie Jar ~ Jack Johnson

Wow. Smoke and mirrors. Tricks and turns. Start there, end here. That was a jump. Too many thoughts.

Fun and games are over...

Ok.
Getting very sick and tired of this.
Very, very frustrated.

Fun and games are over. I will only put up with so much and now this is getting rediculous. I have had enough Shancelle. You stop talking to me because we disaggree on something, something as small as posters, and then it moves on from that to something that you won't even tell me. What can I do? Nothing. You won't talk to me and tell me what the problem is so how can I fix it? After weeks of not responding to me you finally respond with "It will never end" (reffering to the not talking to me) Why? What is going on? What is the under laying issue here? I call you, I text you, I message you... Why? Because I care about our friendship. You still won't talk. What am I suppose to do here? From what I understand is that our friendship is over. This does not make sense to me. Why? Why? and Why again. What did I do? is there misscomunication from earlier... when there was communication? I don't know... I just don't know... I am frustrated, hurt and confused. I suppose this will even make you angrier... but I need to record that I care... I really do...

Is this causing me scarring?

The pain that buckles out your knees

Life. Life is really going really well right now. Actually life is really awesome right now. Maybe that is why I have not been blogging as often as ussual. On the surface everything is fine, actually on the surface things are more than fine. It is on the inside that isn't fine. I don't feel fine. I pine, I whine, I think, I act. The things I want to be awesome and be fine are not fine, but rather far from.

Pressures are really weighing me down. I have a lot of pressures on me. A lot of thoughts that are also pulling on me. A lot of things.

Right now I would like some friends. I mean I have a lot of "friends" and I love them. It is just that not many people are really close to me. Everyone that I use to talk to about my thoughts are all a couple provinces away or have just drifted away. I have a couple that are closer than others but one of them isn't even talking to me. Some just don't understand me. Do you know what I mean? I have lots of friends and they are great but those firends that are really close to you, that just know what you are thinking. Do any of you have friends like that? I know I used to. ( -------------------------------------------------------------------------------fill this in with what I am thinking right now-----------------------------------------------------------------)

I was going to right alot more but I think I am going to just end it there...

When I look into your eyes...

Waiting. Wishing. Dreaming. Drifting. This post will be the make up post for the post I lost the other day. Well Here I am. In my Emo house, down in my Emo room, listening to my emo music, writing in my emo blog. Things have been going pretty well for me lately. School is awesome, my new job is awesome, my new house is awesome. In general things are going pretty awesome. However I am still emo. Still cold. Still Lonely. Stilly waiting. Still wishing. Still dreaming. Still drifting. I have been very nostalgic lately. Thinking about the "good ol'days" of the caravelle and the cruising and the late nights and youth group. Those days seem so fun and carefree now. Even though we were bored out of our minds at least all of us were friends and hung out. Now life doesn't seem that simple, none of us seem to hang out anymore. This leads me to the thought o fB.C. I miss it there so much. I do like Saskatoon because of its familiarity to me but other than that I really have no attachment here anymore. I felt so much more at home in B.C. I loved it. Thinking about B.C. also makes me think about my friends from there. They don't really talk to me anymore, which could be for reasons of my own doing but I am not sure... None the less I miss Summit and B.C. I had a really good year there... for the most part. Part of me wishes I was back there but at the same time I love it here at CPC. I am having a good year here also. blah. So many thoughts running through my head. So many things going unsaid. Meh. Not much I can do I guess, other than be nostalgic. I really miss Amos and Mike and our tea and our drives in search of Ontario and Manitoba. The guys who seemed to hate it there in B.C. are the ones that are back there while I am here.

This blog has kind of shifted to the whole thought of friends. It seems as we get older friendships and the way we deal with them change so much. I mean when I was young I always had to talk on the phone with my friends at least every second day if not more. They would call me and I would call them and we would hang out as much as we could. Now that I am older things aren't like that. I talk to my close friends quite rarely and even get to hang out with them less. When I was younger it felt that if i didn't talk to my friends they would cease to be my friends but now there are times I don't talk to some of my close friends for months but when we do talk it is like we were never apart. This is good and all but sometimes I miss always having friends there to call whenever. To do stuff whenever. Now we have to work around schedules and locations. It's frustrating sometimes.

How do little things come up between friends that make them fight? The stupidest things. Althought friendships have changed and 'matured' as I have gotten older they still have childish elements. Such has hanging up on. Not answering the phone or stopping talking too. Cheap threats like "I'm just going to return your Christmas present then". I mean what is this? Sounds like grade two when people would say "Your not alowed to come to my birthday anymore!" Sometimes adults seem like large children under the dilussion of maturity. Alot of people who consider themselves very mature persons act in the most childish and foolish of ways.

I really should be doing my report. I only have 2 pages left and it is due tonight. It shouldn't take me long but I am procrastinating it. Blah.

I went on an emo drive the other day. Drove down this residential street with alot of trees and the leaves were falling, and the smell of pie was in the air and it just looked so emo. Especially while listening to this one emo song by armour for sleep. It had a line about the trees waving back at me. Yea it was an intense emo drive. But that is also is the explanation why my msn name is autumn leaves and apple pie. Now you know the rest of the story.


I stretched my ears the other day. I stretched them to zero like I used to have them. I think I might go to double zero but I am not sure.

Well I really should finish my report. I don't want to and I am bored. blah

If you (being people I know) don't have my new number at my new place you can email me and I will give it to you. You all should know my email but it is exiledpunk13@hotmail.com. Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I am quite impressed that you pressed on through to the end. Congradulations you get a cookie! Maybe. Wow. Emo music, emo room, emo mood... I'm so emo even my hair hurts... Time for me to go and cry now... I miss you. Emoboy out.

Very upset

ok so I typed this huge long post and then it just dissapeared. Poof. Gone. So I guess it is just another short post. That makes me mad! I had a good long rant going! gah!